Just A Little Setback
by melraemorgan
Summary: What happens when House realizes how close he came to losing Wilson. Takes place after "Wilson".Rated T for language. Complete
1. Chapter 1

Just A Little Setback

A/N: This is just a little thing I thought about after watching "Wilson" Season 6 Episode 10.

Do forgive all my many errors I have yet to find a beta, and I am endeavoring to conquer this damn dialogue. Feel free to review and/or offer to Beta.

Disclainer: ME NO OWN HOUSE.

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House had had it. He was so sick of the whole thing. The notion that he could be a grown up was laughable at best. He knew he was just having a 'bad' day but it was exhausting being Gregory House before he quit doing drugs how the hell else did he think he would feel without them. The problem was other people; they were always … wanting things from him. Half the time he had no idea what it was, and the rest of the time he was perplexed as to why they would ask. This was especially true of Wilson. House's stomach clenched when he thought about Wilson being on that operating table. Never mind the whole parallel to the Amber thing it brought up, but the thought of something happening to Wilson just hadn't occurred to him, it wasn't in his frame of reference, it was impossible. He couldn't allow himself to consider something happening to his best friend, it was unthinkable. And yet, Wilson had all but thrown it in his face that it was, indeed, just that; completely, and altogether possible.

He knew he ought to call Nolan, but he wasn't looking for reasons NOT to slip. He had plenty of those, he just wanted a reason to stop himself and there was no one he knew that could give him that. He suddenly felt so defeated, so ready to give up… he was in trouble. With a sigh, he reached into his pocket and pulled his cell phone out. He looked at it for a moment, still debating if he wanted to stay off that train to hell. Sanity got the better of him and he dialed Dr. Nolan's cell number.

He was suddenly growing more nervous with every ring. Did he want Nolan to answer? Would he be able to tell him the truth? He was a nanosecond away from hanging up when Nolan's soothing mellow voice said "Hello." House's breath caught in his throat his mouth suddenly parched. He couldn't answer. "Greg? Is that you?" Still nothing, he felt as if his vocal chords were being pulled like taffy, he was almost wheezing. His chest was tight and his eyes were starting to water. "Greg, it's okay, don't try to talk. Listen to my voice, and try to take calm deep breaths." House, tried to slow down his breathing but it was getting harder instead of easier, and he felt such anger at the hot tears pouring down his face.

He was finally beginning to feel like he was getting some air. When Nolan said: "Greg, I spoke with Wilson. I know what is going on with him. I know this must have been very hard for you. I am so proud of how you handled this. Remember, he is alright. Think about something calming and focus on my voice and your breathing…" It took awhile but House's heart rate started to come down from the ceiling, and his respirations were approaching something towards the normal range. He was able to take a sip of his bottled water that had been crushed in his hand.

"Greg? You sound better, do you want to talk?" He heard house take another sip of water.

"I..I ….Uhh, I …" House stammered. Nolan stayed silent and waited patiently for him to speak.

"I am….sc…scared." He gasped. "What are scared of Greg? Tell me." Nolan replied calmly.

"Of be…Being alone….Of wanting drugs…of NEEDING drugs…" House was having a hell of a time keeping himself from hyperventilating. "Greg, where are you? Are you in a safe place?" Nolan did his best not to show the alarm that he was feeling in his voice. "I am … in m...my off...office." Nolan almost sighed with relief at least he wasn't at home alone, and could get help if he needed it. "Okay Greg, I want you to find your ativan and take .5 mg right now. And then I want you to stay on the phone with me, so when you're ready to talk I'll be right here. "Ok-kay."

House felt so stupid, for freaking out like this but thank God he had some ativan in his desk drawer. He crushed the pill between his teeth its bitterness a welcome distraction from the thoughts slamming around his head. He started to feel better just because there was something he could do. He sighed a moment or two later and said "Nolan...Are you still there?"

Dr. Nolan was relieved that House had called him instead of using his old coping mechanisms .It was frightening to have a patient so far away from where he could control things if they got out of hand. "Yes Greg I am still here. You feel better?"

"Yeah, if by better you mean my heart quit trying to jump out of my chest." Nolan laughed "That's exactly what I mean." He paused … "You ready to talk?" House sighed and said "Yeah. Ummm I was a little freaked out, by this whole Wilson donating his liver thing, and then I got pissed, and then I got depressed. Like I just wanted to say fuck it, and go drink a lot and take a lot of whatever narcotic I could find." Nolan thought 'tread lightly' "Greg, you realize of course, that would have been a dangerous thing to do. Did you want to hurt yourself? I need you to be honest. "Greg groaned at that. "Shit. Are you going to commit me if I say yes? I need YOU to be honest." Nolan knew this was a delicate moment, so he chose his words carefully. "Greg, you have worked hard to get where you are and you demonstrated responsibility by calling me. I am not about to punish you for doing that. However, I have to be sure you are not going to harm yourself. Remember the safety contract you agreed to? This is part of that." He hoped House could hear the rational, logical side of this and not the fact he was very close to being back in the hospital. "Yeah, I know…it's just so fucking hard sometimes…" House whispered. "I know it is Greg. And these past few weeks have been really hard. But, here you are doing the right thing. I am proud of you, I know how hard it is for you to trust this, to trust me. So, I will ask you one more time for clarity: Are you safe? Are you going to harm yourself?" Nolan really wanted this to go well and he knew there was a chance that House might become angered over the question, but it was his duty to ask.

House thought for a moment 'Do I tell him the truth? And if I do what will happen? What IS the truth?' After what felt like forever to Nolan House finally answered with a faint "I don't know…"

Nolan held his tongue and began thinking about what he should do , he looked at his watch and saw that it was only four o'clock and realized House's boss and his fellows were probably still at the hospital with him. He formed a plan, and said "Greg where are your fellows right now?" House sighed trying hard not to be angry about the question "In the clinic, doing clinic duty. Why? " 'Good 'Nolan thought "Greg , which one of them do you trust the most?" House was as intrigued by the answer as he was the question. He was almost surprised when the answer came out "Chase, I trust Chase the most" Nolan was a bit surprised by the answer too he thought for sure he would have said Foreman. " Okay, well Greg I need you to find Chase and give him your phone so I can tell him what I want him to do." House hesitated…"Greg, if you don't do this I will have to put you on a hold" House laughed at that "Great, Nolan, I feel sooooo fucking safe now" 'Damn' Nolan thought , 'I was afraid of that.' "Greg, I know this is frustrating but this is my medical responsibility as a doctor, and you know that. It is either Chase or you go on the unit." Part of House was seething in anger, the other was resigned to the reality. He knew Nolan could Baker act him easily, and didn't relish the thought of being hauled off to the loony bin in the back of a squad car. "Greg? What's it going to be? What do you want to do?" House sighed loudly and said "Fine, I'll go get Chase."


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: This was just a little drabble but it seems to be growing. I am not sure how far I want to take this so bear with me.

Thanks for the reviews and for following !!!!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own HOUSE

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House wanted to be better and he thought he was making progress but this thing with Wilson was kicking his ass. House had never been comfortable with any emotion, but he used anger as both a shield and sword. His cynicism armored him for the times when he could not remain numb. But now he was supposed to be using his emotions, and supposed to be "letting himself KEEP feeling better" as Nolan put it. He didn't 'feel 'like he felt much of anything but fear …. Fear of failing, fear of losing himself, and Wilson. As far as he could tell, he was no better off than before, just more aware of what a loser he was, more aware of how little he had in this world, and how tenuous what he had was. He wasn't up for the task. 'Dammit! I am nothing but a quivering bowl of mediocrity.' He missed his wit and the way people stayed out of his way, he felt so weak and pathetic all the time, blunted …not in a drunk kind of way, but in a flat affect kind of way. As he walked into the clinic, he tried to rev up the chutzpah to stare down Previn.

Chase sat listening to the woman's chest as she drew in deep breaths for him. 'Sounds like stridor' he thought. "Mrs. Cassel, have you ever been diagnosed with asthma? " She looked at him sheepishly "Yes, doctor when I was a kid, but they said I outgrew it." Chase sighed, how many times has he heard this same thing. "Well, Mrs. Cassel, I am afraid that just isn't true. Asthma is caused by inflammation of the bronchi, and the things that cause that inflammation do not go away. Do you know how to use an inhaler?" She nodded. "Good, I am going to give you a prescription for a methyl prednisone pack and an Proventil inhaler. I would like you come back in a week to see how you are doing. Okay?" She thanked him and took her scripts. He was walking towards the door to call his next patient when House burst in.

"House, what are you doing here?" Chase could see something was up. House walked towards the chair in the tiny room shoving the cell phone into Chase's hand. Chase was a bit taken aback but could tell from his boss's demeanor that now wouldn't be the time to question him. "H-hello? " Nolan was relieved to hear Chase's voice. "Dr. Chase? This is , 's therapist." Chase was surprised but has enough sense not to react. "How can I help you?" " has requested that I fill you in on some things, he feels that he can trust you with this information. My question to you, before I share what is going on; are you comfortable with this level of involvement?" Chase had to think about that for a moment, beyond being curious, was he willing to open himself up to House's peculiar brand of friendship? After the whole Dibala thing House was good to him, and offered him advice. He figured he could return the favor."Yeah, I'm in" Chase was watching House's reaction, 'Did he detect a note of relief on his scruffy face?' Nolan took a breath and began to explain to Chase what was going on with House. After some time Chase said "What about Wilson? I mean how do I get around him finding out?" House answered that question. "There is no reason to worry about that, he will here convalescing for another week. I ought to be "feeling" better by then…right?"

"Okay, I'll just give Taub my clinic patients and we'll get out of here." House grunted his approval. "Do you want to see Wilson before we go?" He shook his head no."We can come back tomorrow; I just need to get the hell out of here." They headed to Chase's car, without a word. Chase was praying they wouldn't run into Cuddy. "Are you hungry? Chase asked when they reached the car. House said "Not really, but I suppose I could eat."


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: This is just a little short chapter I am working on a much larger one to come probably this weekend.

Disclaimer: I don't own HOUSE M.D.

Read and review PLEASE

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Chas drove in silence leaving House to his thoughts. 'What the hell am I doing? Why am I involving Chase in this crap?' he knew the answer. Of all the other ducklings Chase was the most like him in temperament and background… He knew that Chase would understand instinctively how not to hover, to back off when it was required. Cameron leaving him only served to make him more like House. He almost laughed when he recalled the conversation they had about the punch, it was exactly what House would have done and they both knew it. Even so did he really want to drag Chase further into his world? Though from the looks of it Chase was already on that path in earnest, he had made no secret of the amount of drinking he had been doing lately. House wondered if for the kid's sake if he ought to just forget the whole thing. He was about to say just that when Chase broke the silence. "I know what you are thinking; I can hear the gears going around from here. I am not going anywhere so don't bother making the argument." House just gaped at him in shock. Chase was more like him than he'd ever realized. Chase glanced at his expression and chuckled "Well there's a reason you asked for me isn't there? I have known you longest and I think I get you as well as anyone who's not Wilson. Though if you ask me Wilson is a bit dense sometimes, he doesn't understand how he hurts you with his judgmental tirades."House is even more gob smacked at this. "Yeah I know he's your best friend and all but still he can be kind of an ass about wanting you to change. I just want to help you do whatever it is you want to do to help yourself. We don't need to talk about it; I don't need to hear your feelings, unless you want to share. All I am saying is I am here no strings attached, and no expectations, so… whatever…" Chase's face flushed with embarrassment. House sat quietly for a moment before uttering a quiet "Thanks…"


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Still trying to crank this one out. Failing. SIGH

Disclaimer: Me no own House M.D.

Read and review pwetty please

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House sat on the couch flipping channels continuously, he wondered 'Why did I rat myself out to Nolan? Now I am stuck with the wombat watching me.'

Chase sat in the recliner pretending to read a medical journal watching House out of the corner of his eye. He could tell House had moved on from fear and desperation, to denial and embarrassment. Chase couldn't understand why House asked for him, but he was oddly enough quite moved by it. For some reason his curmudgeonly boss held a special place in his heart. Where others saw an irascible jerk, Chase saw someone vulnerable and lonely. He didn't pity House; he simply understood the truth of who he was.

House decided he had enough of the babysitting and wanted to be alone; he stood up leaning on his cane and said "I'm tired going to bed."

Chase looked at him, and said "Need anything?"

House smirked "What have you got?"

Chase laughed "Nothing but time…"

House chuckled "Goodnight Wombat…"

"Good night House…"

After his evening ablutions, House found himself lying in the dark unable to sleep. He thought about Wilson and how he gave up his liver to that asshole, he thought about how scared he was to lose him. He thought about Lisa, and how she had ultimately rejected him, his eyes welled up, and he began to fight back the tears.

'DAMMIT! I will not fucking cry. I am supposed to be doing all this touchy feely crap it's supposed to make me better, make me happy. It's bullshit. I want a drink; I want a fucking LOT of drinks. I want vicodin; I want to quit feeling this way. Fucking Nolan has turned me into a girl!' His breath was coming quicker and more shallow, he felt like he was about to jump out of his skin, all he wanted was to hobble as fast as his leg would take him to the nearest bar.

"Shit…" House groaned he was starting to freak out and his leg was beginning to cramp.

Chase heard how restless House was all the way in the living room, but when he heard him cry out he came quickly to House's room. "House?" He knocked and opened the door. "Are you okay?"

House hissed "Get out! I 'm fine!"

"No you're not." He reached over and turned the lamp on. House was pale and he was breathing rapidly. "Pain or anxiety?" Chase asked.

"Both." House conceded breathlessly.

"Well idiot, I am here to help. I 'm getting you some more Ativan and some ibuprofen."

Chase returned quickly with the meds and a drink of water. House gulped the pills down greedily, and lay back down. "Alright mate. Now I am going to sit here until you fall asleep and tomorrow we'll drive up to see ."

House didn't argue, he was glad Chase was here. But he would never tell him. He could feel the Ativan kicking in and his breathing slowed, and soon he was fast asleep.

Chase watched House sleep for quite a long time, thinking of how often he had done this for his Mum. At least now he could do something to help.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Here's another chapter in what I thought was a one off it seems to be leaning almost toward a character study. I am not sure if that's a good thing. But I think there is room for some interesting things to still happen.

Disclaimer: I do not OWN House M.D. (whimper)

Please read and review it is helping me evolve toward a better mediocrity and is greatly appreciated.

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House awoke to sounds of someone in the kitchen and the smell of coffee, for a moment he forgot Wilson was still in the hospital. "Damn "he uttered as he stood gingerly on his leg. He wasn't looking forward to today; Chase was driving him to meet with Nolan. He felt,wrong…exposed, he would have felt that way with Wilson, but with Chase it added a whole new level of humiliation to the situation. He hobbled out to the kitchen to see what Chase had rustled up for breakfast.

"Cereal?! Are you serious? This is what this racket was about?"

"What? I made coffee too."

House snatched the mug Chase offered him, and stalked off to the couch.

"Don't get too comfortable we're leaving in an hour…"

House groaned he was in hell. 'I thought he was supposed to keep me from doing drugs not drive me to it.'

Chase watched House bemused, he knew he was irritating the older man, but that was part of his plan. He knew keeping House focused on how annoyed he was better than him worrying about Wilson or thinking about "slipping". This was good for him too he needed the distraction, he needed to feel useful. Since Cameron left he had done little but drink and be angry, the fact was, he was getting too used to the way he felt when he drank, it helped, it kept him from thinking, it kept him from feeling. It would be easy for him to just keep on doing it, but he knew where that road lead and he was his mother's son. He had to stop it now before it got to be a problem… 'Hell, it's already a problem, but I can't let it get out of control I will not become her.'

House watched the wheels turning in Chase's head, he was suddenly quite curious as to what was going on in there. What were Chase's motivations for being here? He had plenty of ideas on the matter but nothing concrete. He decided to ask. "Why?"

"Why what?...Ohhh you mean why am I doing this? I didn't have anything else to do."Chase replied in a blase tone.

"Bullshit, you here for a reason and I want to hear what it is." House barked.

Chase thought for a moment, what should he say? "Well, I suppose it's because I want to help you, and myself." 'Nothing like the truth to make you feel vulnerable' he thought.

"What the hell does that mean? Specifics, I want specifics!"

"Okay, my mom died from her alcoholism and I couldn't stop it or help her, and by the end I was angry and fed up with taking care of her, so in a way I am making up for it by helping you." It felt like he'd said it all in one breath.

"And..." He knew there was more but wasn't sure Chase did.

"And I am afraid I have developed quite a nasty drinking habit myself lately, so I figured it would help me get back on track." Chase didn't know he was going to spill his guts to House of all people, but he felt better, as if he had lightened his load a bit.

House contemplated Chase's admission; he wasn't sure how he felt. He expected to be angry with the young man for assuming they had anything in common. The truth was, he couldn't be angry; in fact he felt a sense of gratitude for Chase's unvarnished honesty. "Thanks, for telling me the truth. And yeah you have been drinking way too much, and frankly I have been concerned, about it affecting your job. I know it sucks to admit this crap but it supposedly helps. As you may recall, I told you to get help and now I expect you to, or come Wednesday you will be suspended."

Chase was flummoxed "I can't believe this House! I am here trying to help you and you throw it back in my face!" The words flung out at House before he could stop them. The room fell into a cold silence. There was suddenly tension where before there had been an easy going feeling. House was staring at him blankly, when like thunderclouds he watched House's face darken with fury.

'Crap!' He thought, and steeled himself for the coming storm.

"What did you expect me to do? Did you think I would be all touchy feely and hug you? I may be trying to be less of a bastard, but never forget I am one, and fully intend to remain so! And as for your indignation?!…You seem to have forgotten that I am your boss as well, I specifically told you to get some help and you chose to crawl into a bottle instead. And don't think I haven't noticed you coming in hung over , you are on my team, emphasis on MY, which means you better be up to snuff or you can leave just like Cameron!"

'Wow that felt good.'House thought. He had been holding his anger for what felt like ages since he got back from Mayfield. He had been afraid to get angry, he wasn't sure what would happen if he did, and without vicodin he knew that whatever the consequences he would feel them acutely.

Chase was stunned into silence by the lashing House's words had given him. He realized that it was simply the truth, and his "indignation" melted away in the harsh light of House's honesty. There was only one reply he could muster.

"Okay." He replied quietly. The room stayed silent and the tension dissipated after a moment. Chase swore he could smell ozone.

House let his adrenalin fueled body calm down with the aid of some deep breaths before speaking again. He decided to move on.

"Good, now let's get ready and get the hell on the road so I can get my head properly shrunk." House snarked.


	6. Chapter 6

They rode in an awkward silence for the first twenty minutes, before Chase finally said " I don't know what to do."

House sighed. He knew the silence was too good to last. "Look, I don't know what you should do either. But I know you can't do it on your own. The sooner YOU figure that out the better off you'll be. Don't let yourself hit rock bottom before you finally ask for help, trust me, it sucks."

Chase thought he was dreaming, House was actually trying to help him. "Where do I go? I mean, who do I ask?"

House thought for a minute. "I tell you what; I'll ask Nolan if he knows someone." He wouldn't suggest Nolan for Chase that would be too weird.

"Yeah, that would be great. Thanks."

House just nodded his head as his reply.

The silence wasn't awkward anymore, but Chase turned the radio on to a classic rock station anyway. House smiled to himself as the electric guitar washed over them and Chase beat the drum solo out on the steering wheel. It wasn't long before they arrived at their destination, 'amazing how music makes everything better' House thought as he exited the car.

Nolan met them at the door. Chase was mildly shocked to see that House's therapist was black; he had witnessed House's outrageous racial comments to Foreman in the past, and wondered how this man would put up with House's abuse. House noticed Chase's reaction and was at once amused and irritated by it, he knew what the blonde was thinking. Nolan ushered them in to his office, turned and stuck his hand out to Chase

"You must be Dr. Chase. Thank you for bringing Greg, I know he appreciates it."

Chase noticed the mocking tone and the slight smirk Nolan aimed at House. This man was formidable; Chase realized that this was exactly the man House needed to get him through this.

"I'll be out here in the waiting room…" House nodded his assent. He felt himself relax, as Chase made his exit to the waiting room.

House sat and put his feet up on Nolan's desk in an effort to irritate him. It didn't work. Nolan just moved to the other club chair next to House and waited for him to turn and face him. They sat in a silent stalemate for five minutes. Finally, House caved, and with a sigh, removed his feet from the desk and turned his chair to face the impassive Nolan.

"What?" House spat.

"Greg, whenever you are ready to begin, I'm here." His smooth voice filled the silence.

House watched him a bit, sizing him up before he spoke. Nolan, sat with one hand on the arm of the chair, the other with his chin resting upon it, his eyes curious, but patient. The silence went on for several minutes. House had been here before with Nolan, and knew the man would wait forever. Nolan was a worthy, and stubborn, adversary. Finally, House spoke in a soft whisper. "I'm a little freaked out."

"I get that. What is freaking you out, exactly?" his voice was measured and even.

"Well, at first I thought it was the whole Wilson thing, and then I began to think it was something else…"

Nolan could tell House was struggling to say what it was. He waited patiently. His eyes encouraged House to go on.

"I've been having these nightmares, you know, about… before. And my leg has been hurting like a bitch too. I was barely holding it together and Wilson goes and…" House voice broke a little, his breath was coming more rapidly, he clenched his hands open and shut. "Shit. I hate this." He said angrily.

"Greg, I know this is hard, but I think you need to talk about whatever is bothering you. Take your time, and try slowing your breathing down."

House could only nod once. He took a deep breath, shook his hands out, and looked back up at Nolan. "So, anyway, I have been, you know, more open and stuff with Wilson. He asked me if I was okay about Cuddy and Lucas and I told him the truth…that, I wasn't."

Nolan was pleasantly surprised by this, but kept it from his face, "And how did he react?"

House blushed a little "He said that I was "behaving like a grown up", I guess he was proud of me."

Nolan thought carefully about his next question. He decided that House could handle it. "And how did THAT make you feel?"

A flicker of annoyance flashed across House's face but he shrugged and replied, "It was kind of annoying, but, I took it… then he goes and risks his life for some asshole that isn't even his real friend…I mean come on, he calls him _Jim_ for God's sake!"

"Greg, I can tell you are pretty angry about this. I think you realize that this is coming from a fear of losing Wilson."

"No shit Sherlock. That's not why I am here though, I can figure that crap out for myself. I am here because I am having these damn nightmares, my leg is screaming in agony, and I am fucking dying for some vicodin!"

His words hung like icicles in the air, and still Nolan sat, waiting. He waited for a long minute and said "And?"

House slumped back into the chair, looking defeated, beaten. He whispered "…and I don't think I can do this anymore…"

There it was, the real problem, laid bare in all its humiliating glory. House closed his eyes in shame and exhaustion. He sat back and sighed.

"Greg…are you telling me you feel like giving up on sobriety… or life? Remember, before you answer, all I ask of you is honesty." This was more serious than Nolan had originally thought; even during House's stay in Mayfield, he hadn't exhibited such overt signs of… depression

House sat staring blankly at the wall just behind Nolan's head. He hadn't really heard the question. A thought was forming in his brain… 'I may have just screwed myself… I need to cover this up.'

Nolan picked up on the change. House's demeanor was no longer passive. He was back to his regular, irascible, self.

"Are you serious? What else would I be talking about? It's the vicodin obviously! I mean what kind of idiot would sit in his psychiatrist's office, inside a mental hospital no less, and say they were suicidal?" House snarked loudly, "I would hope that you wouldn't think I was that stupid, Nolan!"

Okay, so this is how we're going to play it… "Greg, you are many things but stupid is not one of them. Which is why I don't buy this display of outrage. However, I can't say definitively that you are suicidal so I can't make you stay. But, I will make sure someone keeps an eye on you."

House just snorted in disbelief. "Whatever! Can I go now?"

Nolan looked at the clock "We have twenty more minutes Greg, let's use them."

'Damn' House thought. "Yeah, all right, so talk."

"Tell me about the nightmares… What did you mean by "about _before"_?

House shifted uncomfortably in his seat, picked some imaginary lint off his jeans, found something fascinating about his shoe, and exhaled "About the stuff when I was a kid…you know…my father."

"Do these dreams wake you?" He asked gently.

House nodded. House looked like a little boy who was afraid to tell he'd done something wrong. Nolan found his heart filled with compassion for this damaged soul.

"I'm scared Wilson will hear me, I don't want him to know. I wake up and I don't know where I am. I even scream sometimes." House's voice was barely a whisper.

"Greg, I know you don't want to hear this; but James already knows. He told me about your night terrors while you were still here."

"Well OF COURSE he did!" House said sarcastically. Just another example of how he had lost more and more of himself…

"Look Greg, I asked him specifically, because a nurse noted them on your chart. Don't be angry that I knew already, especially since you just told me yourself. What I am more interested in is what you are dreaming, and why."

"Yeah, yeah okay I get it. Let's just move on okay?"

"No, I need to hear what these dreams are about; it could be the key to ending them altogether."

House was interested in that theory, though he had heard this psychobabble before. "Well, they are almost always about _him_ … and you know the stuff that happened when I was a kid."

"As hard as this is Greg, I need you to be more specific…"

House sighed "It's usually the ice bath thing… and the making me stand at attention for days at a time…_he...he would take the belt to me if I tried to sit down, or If I cried."_

Nolan fought the urge to suck in his breath in shock " Greg, let me first say I am so sorry that happened to you, you didn't deserve it, your father was wrong to hurt you like that…" he paused when he heard House gulp in air, fighting the urge to cry. " I want you to think about what's going on during your day that is triggering these particular memories."

House caught his breath "I don't know…really. I've tried to figure it out… I just can't take it anymore." He whispered.

House was becoming more and more distressed , Nolan didn't want to leave him in this state so he decided to change the topic.

"Tell you what, let's put that aside for now, we can come back to it later if you want, or we can wait until next time." House sagged into the chair with relief.

"Yeah, thanks."

"Going back to what you said about the vicodin… Why do you think you are having such cravings?"

House relaxed a bit, he could answer this line of questioning easily. "Well, for one thing I am an addict duhhh…for another, I 'm still in pain. And last but not least, I don't even recognize myself anymore."

Nolan's eyebrow went up involuntarily. He hadn't expected House to be so forthright. "What do you mean you don't recognize yourself anymore?"

"I 'm different…it doesn't feel like me anymore. I don't care about anything anymore; I have no passion, no fire. I feel exposed all the time… I know this is what everyone wanted, but… I… hate… it."

The big man leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, his huge chocolate colored hands clasped together as if in supplication. He lifted his head, looked deep into House's ice blue eyes, and said, "Greg… I hear what you 're saying, but before you give up, before you decide you don't like these changes, I want you to promise me that you will give this more time. As for your vicodin addiction, I'll give you the address and time for a NA meeting especially for medical professionals. If you are having pain we can change your meds to help with that, but… you can't fix dead. Do hear what _I am _saying?"

House knew Nolan was no fool and that he had managed to give himself away to the astute doctor, but he wasn't going to confirm the man's suppositions. "I have no freaking idea why you would say that to me! I am NOT suicidal! ... But as for the other stuff… yeah, I'll give them a try."

"Good! Glad to hear it. Now if it's all right with you I would like to talk with Dr. Chase for a moment."

House said "Yeah, sure, but first, I need to tell you something."

"I'm listening."

"Well, Chase's wife left him, and he sort of killed this patient, so he's been having a hard time too. I was wondering if you could help him find a therapist."

Nolan steadied himself after the shock of the information House had just shared. "I would be happy to help refer Dr. Chase, but I must say I am both pleased with your desire to help him, and disturbed by the issues he is having."

"Well, I know it sounds crazy to have him babysitting me, but it actually helps, it takes my mind off of my crap, and he seems to care for some reason."

Nolan nodded in understanding "I can't fault that logic, and you deserve someone to care, Greg."

They stood and House shuffled to the door and found Chase snoozing in the hall. He slapped his cane down on the seat next to him jolting the young man awake.

"What the hell House?" Chase said with indignation.

House smirked at him smugly and said "The shrink wants to give you babysitting instructions…get your ass in there blondie!"

Nolan watched the exchange with a mixture of humor and fascination. Chase eyed him suspiciously, as he walked into the office.

Nolan pointed to the chair and said "Please have a seat Dr. Chase, it won't take long."

"Robert, please, and I'm fine standing." He said tightly.

Nolan could see why House liked this young man he was tougher than his angelic looks led you to believe. "I am sure you are fine with standing, but it's making me, uncomfortable, so, please, sit."

Chase acquiesced and took the chair House had occupied earlier. "So… how can I help you?"

Nolan looked at him across the desk establishing the roles each would occupy. "Robert, I just want to make sure you know what you are getting in to by agreeing to look after Dr. House."

Chase snorted at that, "Yeah, I know. I've worked with the man for six years, he's been through hell, and tormented me all along the way. I know exactly what I'm getting into."

Nolan sat back and steepled his fingers thoughtfully. "I am sure you understand a lot about House, but he has some issues that he has fought very hard to keep hidden from you, and everyone else in his life. I'm just wondering, given the seriousness of these things, if you are equipped to handle his… difficulties."

Chase thought for a moment, and said, "Dr. Nolan, House is the most brilliant scientific and medical mind I have ever met, or will ever meet, but as brilliant as he is, and as hard as he tries to push people away and hide his pain, we _all _know how fragile he really is. He thinks we can't see through his total bastard persona; but we figured him out a long time ago… He is extraordinarily brave at times, and often compassionate but, when he offered to risk his life, as well as his mind, on the off chance he could save Amber…I saw him, for who he really is, so… I am _happy _to help him in any way, I can."

Nolan smiled at this, if only Greg believed how the people in his life really felt about him… "Robert, I am very happy to hear you say that. But I need some assurances from you."

"Okay…" Chase knew what he was going to say.

"I need to be sure you are able to handle this right now. Greg told me you were having a hard time."

"Yeah, it's true. But with Wilson in the hospital, there's no one else. And besides, I want to."

"Well, Robert, if you are going to help Greg you're going to have to get some help for yourself."

"I know, he said he would fire me if I didn't." Chase chuckled.

"Do you believe him?"

"Oh, yes… He was dead serious."

"Then we better get you a consult…" Nolan shuffled his mouse around and clicked his key board for a minute. "Ahhh yes, this is an excellent choice for you." He scribbled a name and phone number on a post it and handed it to Chase."This is a colleague of mine that used to be on staff here; he's very good, and just happens to live near Princeton Plainsboro."

"Uhhh thanks."Chase mumbled.

"Robert, I expect you to make an appointment with him immediately, or I will tell House you haven't"

Chase's eyes flared in anger, but he replied, "Okay… Can I go now?"

"Yes. Just one more thing, when does Dr. Wilson get out of the hospital?"

"In a little over a week, barring any complications."

"Then I guess I'll see you next week."Nolan stuck his hand out to shake Chase's hand.

Chase shook it back and smiled, in spite of himself. He walked out of the office quickly, in a hurry to get out of this place. House was standing leaning on his cane, just as eager to hit the road.

"Come on angelface I'm hungry, I'm gonna let you buy me a cheeseburger!" House said as he turned and ambled his way out the door.

Chase sighed, and walked quickly after him 'There's no way in hell, I am letting him drive…' "House wait up!"


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Here's another brief chapter, but I think it moves things along.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own House M.D.

House woke in a panic…he'd heard someone screaming… his heart was bouncing around in his ribcage like a basketball, sweat seeped from every pore his hair was damp. He caught his breath, and suddenly realized the 'someone' was him… He couldn't remember what he was dreaming but it scared the hell out of him.

"Shit…Now Chase is going to run in here…" he waited and listened…nothing. Now he was curious, was Chase that heavy of a sleeper, or was he pretending to save House's dignity? Curiosity getting the better of him, he crept down the hall to Wilson's room where Chase was staying. He pushed the door open quietly, and found an empty, fully made bed. 'Where the hell is he?' House walked back to the living room and found Chase asleep on the couch, a half empty bottle of Southern Comfort on the coffee table in front of him. House just sighed and walked away. He would deal with Chase later. He didn't feel up to handling an open bottle of bourbon, and the trembling his dream left him with.

Chase awoke with a start, he heard House screaming out in fear. 'Shit! What do I do?' Before he could act, he heard House come out of his room. 'Oh shit, shit, shit he's going to bust me… I'm just going to act like I'm asleep.' He held his breath and prayed House wouldn't beat him with his cane for bringing booze into his house and for being totally trashed while he was trying to stay sober. He could feel House's disappointed glare through his closed eyelids and was afraid he would lose it if he stood over him much longer… He let the breath out of his lungs as quietly as he could when he heard House walk away. His heart was pounding and he could feel his face redden ,flushed with adrenalin. Suddenly he was quite sober. Now he was going to have to sleep on this 'damn couch' because there was no way he was getting up and walking to bed after that.

House lay on the bed trying in vain to go back to sleep, he could take another Ativan but already the .5's were not taking the edge off like they did at first, he was building a tolerance to them and he knew that was a slippery slope. He being as emotionally crippled, as physically, wasn't about to risk that hike. He had to admit he was surprised and a little hurt by Chase's blatant use of alcohol, he didn't know why he wasn't pissed about it instead. He tried to analyze it like Nolan would but in the format of his internal whiteboard.

Symptoms: feeling of hurt and shock – 'is this what normal people would feel?'

Cause: stupid Chase drinking – 'idiot…'

Question: ' Why aren't I angry?- I guess it's because I can feel other stuff besides anger now, and maybe seeing him like that just makes me sad, and the fact he would do it here … (in a completely non-girly way)… hurts me.'

' Why did Chase do it? - It isn't lost on me that if the roles were reversed I'd be doing the same damn thing, so it isn't hard to know why he did it. He did it because he is _hurting _ and as much as he would like to be here for me (gag), he is too wrapped up in his own misery and too far down the alkie highway to stop.'

Satisfied that he had given it the "old college try" he tried to fall asleep. No such luck. Didn't want to take the Ativan, can't drink the bourbon, don't want to beat Chase…

'Now what ? Now I sit here in the dark watching the numbers change on the clock radio until morning, trying not to sneak in and pour the rest of that bourbon down my gullet. Ahhh the joys of sobriety.'


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Sorry for the cliffie had to be done. Once again a huge thanks to my readers.

Extra huggs to all those who have taken the time to review.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own House.

* * *

Somehow, both men had managed a few hours of fitful sleep, and they found themselves in the unenviable position of dancing around the whole "booze" question. Chase being fearful of House's ire was quietly deferential to the older man. House completely pissed off in the harsh light of day about the whole thing, fought his urge to give Chase new orifices.

After an interminable silence over an elaborate breakfast guiltily prepared by Chase, House finally looked at his young protégé and said simply and with total authority. "Don't do it again."

Chase almost choked on his coffee. His eyes searching House's over the rim of his cup. He saw there anger, but with a touch of something else…disappointment. Then the young man felt something he hadn't felt with House before, a pang of regret and the determination to never see that look in House's eyes again.

He put his cup down and with sincerity said to House. "I won't. I'm sorry."

House nodded and turned his attention back to his eggs.

Breakfast done, and House back in his room getting ready, Chase cleaned the kitchen, his heart much lighter after his long night of self-recriminations and anticipation of House's reaction to his thoughtless behavior. They would be going into the Hospital today, Chase hoped they got a whopper of a case they both needed it. House because he was in danger of being bored, and Chase,… well, for the same reason.

The drive to work was uneventful, both of them lost in thought. It seemed things were settling down, and on a more even course. In short, everything was fine, until they walked into the lobby of the hospital and almost literally ran into Cuddy and Lucas.

Chase's stomach sank. 'Just when things were calming down…' He saw Cuddy look at them nonplussed a query on her tongue. The tension was palpable. He was fervently praying House would just move on. The last thing he wanted was to be in shrapnel range of the impending row.

"House." Cuddy said with detachment.

"Cuddy." House peered into her eyes. It was a challenge. Lucas, standing next to her was all but forgotten.

They stood for a few moments each unwilling to concede the battle of wills. Finally, House, with a dismissive chuckle broke the gaze. Looked at Lucas and without a hint of sarcasm, said "Good morning Lucas," and walked around Cuddy as if she didn't exist.

Chase muttered a "Morning Dr. Cuddy, Lucas," and followed House to the elevators. The elevator ride was a torment for him; he was dying to ask House about Cuddy, but knew if he valued his life, he'd better not say a word.

House could feel Chase's desire to say something. He wasn't about to give him the impression that this was in any way a good idea. When he saw Cuddy with Lucas, his stomach did acrobatics as before, but this time was different. He felt an acceptance that was genuine. He wasn't surprised, once he decided someone was out, they were out. House might be trying to acknowledge his feelings and deal with people better, but he would not change that fundamentally, drugs or not. Cuddy was gone, and the pain she caused was now in the footlocker at the bottom of his psyche. He was an all or nothing person, once he'd had the balls to tell her how he felt, to find her with Lucas and finally believeher rejection was real, his mind said raise the drawbridge and close the portcullis. Though his heart took a while to catch up to the plan, all organs were now on the same page.

"You go make sure Thirteen made the coffee, and tell them to get started on the charting. I'm going to see Wilson."

Chase started when House spoke, he'd been mulling over the morning.

"Okay."

The doors opened with a whoosh and each went their separate ways.

When House arrived at Wilson's room, he suddenly didn't feel as confident in his battlements. Wilson looked pale, and tired. It scared the crap out of him. His throat tightened as fear and panic flooded his veins. House could only take so much emotion. He admonished himself for being stupid Wilson was fine. But his body wouldn't listen, he was about to lose it right here in the fucking hall. His pride wouldn't allow such a thing, so he ran to Wilson's office, and used the key he'd secretly made. The room was private and the couch was comfortable. He sat in the dark on the couch trying to get a hold of himself. Soon he was trembling with the effort. He felt weak and impotent from the tears springing to his eyes, and the shaking the panic gave his hands. He was miserable. This was too much. "Fuck this." He murmured to the dark. "This is stupid." He lay down hoping to calm himself, when a thought from nowhere came whispering insidiously out of the dark.

'Wilson, has a bottle of vicodin hidden in his bottom drawer, and a bottle of scotch in the cabinet under the bookcase.'

Now his heart was pounding for a different reason. He was shaking not from grief, but from desperate need. All he could think about now was getting the vicodin and scotch and having a little party right now. His mouth was dry with anticipation, it was like that moment when you are panting from making out, and you are so close to fucking… you tremble the same way… you feel like your head will explode if you don't have sex. There was something so wrong about that, that the aching need for drugs felt the same as the one for sex, except the desperation was exponential by comparison. House's brain bathed in adrenalin, could not process the similarity or the danger he was in.

He didn't even remember walking to the desk, but now he was staring at the full bottle of vicodin in the back of Wilson's bottom desk drawer. His heart was flopping around his chest, and his breath hitched. If he had seen his eyes, he would find them dilated. House was so enthralled by the orange bottle of pills he didn't feel his leg screaming at him to change his position.

He didn't remember putting his hand in the drawer, but he was now cradling the vial in his palm. It felt so natural, the rattle of the pills soothing and familiar. Time seemed to stop and all there was in the universe was House, and the pills.

He didn't remember opening the bottle, but there were three vicodin laying in his palm. Their smooth cool surface caressing his hand, they were beautiful.

He didn't remember putting them in his mouth, but the feel of them and the bitter taste felt so good, he ignored the distant alarm bells in his head. He was on autopilot this was destiny. Soon he found the scotch hiding behind a stack of medical journals in the cabinet,and was enraptured by the warmth of it as it went down his throat.

All this happened incredibly fast, from the time he had the thought to the time he felt the scotch bottle on his lips was five minutes and there went six plus months of sobriety. He was feeling so good he didn't allow himself to realize the horror and stupidity of what he'd done.

He kept drinking as the full force of the vicodin, booze on his detoxed body began to bloom, and he was riding a wave of pure ecstasy. Unfortunately, he didn't stop there. He drank more and more, and took handfuls of vicodin frantically, as if he were a man lost in the desert who finds an oasis. The need was feral it made him stupid; all rational thought had been left at the office door. He wasn't used to the drugs any more, he forgot to pay attention to how many he took. All he wanted was for everything to stop hurting. He just wanted to feel something besides despair.

Within ten minutes, House was shitfaced, but he kept drinking. Munching on pills like chips. A part of his opiate and booze marinated brain knew exactly what he was doing, and he didn't care. He passed out eventually, somewhere between a nearly empty scotch bottle and a half empty vicodin vialWhat House didn't realize is that Wilson saw him walk away from his room, but he wasn't quite awake, and the oddness of it didn't register. Normally he would have seen House's face and his spidey sense would have been screaming in alarm at what he saw there. He would have never let him walk away, and certainly not alone.

In the diagnostics conference room the fellows were diligently trying to make sense of the mess House's notes were, and get the backlog of charts and paperwork done. Chase noticed House's absence, but in light of the morning's incident figured he was still with Wilson.

House lay on the floor of Wilson's dark empty office, full of booze and vicodin fortunately he was lying on his left side so his bad leg was saved the torture of the floor, an added benefit to House was he would probably not aspirate if he threw up. It was a small positive but a useful one.

Everyone remained blissfully ignorant of where House was and what he'd been doing for the next three hours. Until Wilson began to get a nagging feeling about his friend's absence, they had already delivered lunch and still no House. He called his cell and it went to voicemail. For a while he considered that House was on a case, but he couldn't shake the sensation of something wrong that was growing.

Meanwhile, Cuddy had put the cold reception from House aside refusing to let it get to her, denying the hurt she felt. She worked on several projects throughout the morning and didn't give House another thought until sometime after lunch when she received a call from a donor requesting House give them a second opinion about their daughter. It wasn't critical, but she couldn't resist the urge to see him and force him to take the case. It would renew the balance of things.

She walked down the hall to diagnostics and saw the fellows hard at work with Chase. Foreman was doing clinic hours. She looked in House's office the lights were out and it was empty.

"Where's House?" She asked Chase.

"With Wilson."

"Thanks, keep up the good work."She hurried down the hall.

Now Chase was getting his own nagging feeling. Why hadn't House come back, after all it was past lunchtime? He made a decision to wait and see if Cuddy found him, he didn't want to be around for the inevitable confrontation that was brewing between the two.

By now, it was one o'clock in the afternoon, and House was slipping futher and further into unconsciousness, his heart rate was slowing down and his breathing was becoming erratic. He really screwed things up this time.

Cuddy walked into Wilson's room and saw immediately that House wasn't there. Concern, shot through her "Where's House?"

"He doesn't have a case yet?" noting the blue folder in Cuddy's hand.

It was then that Wilson remembered the hazy image of House's face as he walked away.

"What happened?" he asked Cuddy pointedly.

"Nothing really, he ran into us this morning on his way in to work."

"Are you really that dense Lisa?" His tone was incredulous.

She sighed, and nodded her head. "Be that as it may, he's going to have to get used to the idea. Have you seen him?"

"I saw him about four hours ago, he was here but I wasn't all the way awake. He never came in, but I could see something was wrong and figured he would be back by for lunch."

They both reached the same conclusion simultaneously, "We need to find him." Cuddy said.

"Look don't panic, we have no information to go on, he could be hiding somewhere playing PSP."Wilson told her.

"He was with Chase this morning, it was weird, and it looked like they had ridden together."

"Go and find Chase, maybe he knows something."Wilson directed.

She turned to go and was almost out the door when she heard him say "Lisa do it quickly; I have a bad feeling about this."

Cuddy turned around and looked at him."Surely you don't think…"

He shrugged, "I don't know, just find him."


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Here is some excitement for you, hope you enjoy. Forgive any typos, or missing words... (MICROSOFT WORD... EPIC FAIL)

PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!!!!!

Disclaimer: I do NOT own HOUSE M.D.

* * *

Cuddy found Chase in the OB doctor's lounge.

Chase was looking for House and he was beginning to feel a little panicked.

Cuddy, saw Chase's face and knew something was definitely wrong, and sensed that Chase would be able to shed some light on the situation.

"What the hell is going on Chase?"

'Oh crap, she's going to ask me about House, I'm screwed ' Chase thought.

"Dr. Cuddy, what do you mean?" He tried to sound innocent, knowledge free… it wasn't working.

"Chase if you don't tell me right now what's going on with House, not only will I fire you I will kick your ass." Her voice was cold, but her eyes flashed fire. 'Did I just say that?'she thought.

If Cuddy was so worried she resorted to threatening him with violence then all bets were off. He was gonna squeal like a pig.

She saw resignation in his eyes, he was a man walking the plank. 'What the hell is so bad that he's afraid of telling me?'

"He'll kill me." It was almost a whisper. "I promised him."

Somewhat shocked by her own threat,Cuddy softened at his admission.

"Chase, I'm sorry I lost it, but I was starting to get very worried about House, and finding you here worried too, also looking for him, let's just say I am now scared. So whatever you know, please tell me."

"I don't know Dr. Cuddy with everything … you know Lucas. I think you're the last person he would want me to tell." He was practically stammering.

Her gut did a little flip. He was right; she didn't have the right to ask. She gave it away. In that moment the enormity of what she had done to House hit her like a wrecking ball, and all her reasons and excuses, and justifications for her complete annihilation of House, collapsed. Her eyes shimmered with tears, but she held it in, this wasn't the time. Her epiphany took away any pretense she had, that House was just off somewhere napping ,or playing PSP. She swallowed her shame and grief and traded it for urgency.

Chase saw her face go through a panoply of emotions, he cringed at her burgeoning tears, 'Oh God please don't cry'

"You know what Chase you are absolutely right, but you ARE going to tell Wilson. Come on, we need to hurry."

They literally ran as fast as Cuddy's heels would take them, to Wilson's hospital room.

"Tell him," she ordered.

Chase looked at her helplessly and said "Not in front of you." She just looked at him hurt and regret all over her face again nodded and walked out.

Wilson watched the brief scene with a mix of fascination and dread.

"Chase, just tell me. I'm starting to lose it."

With that, Chase told Wilson everything that had happened in the past several days. Told him how fragile House seemed, how it scared the crap out of him. Told him what Nolan said to him, he even told him about the bourbon , and finally he told him about the incident with Cuddy.

"…and I haven't seen him since." He was practically gasping at the end.

'What have I done…' Wilson shook it off he could luxuriate in his guilt later.

"Chase, find him. Wait, first get me a wheelchair."

"But you just …"

"Dammit Chase if you can put bolts of electricity through House already broken head, I think you can do a simple thing like get me a wheelchair!" a deafening silence ensued as he realized what he said. The look that crossed Chase's countenance was a mix of rage,torment, pain and sorrow. A look he'd seen on House's face dozens of times. It was only a moment, just a breath of time, and the look was gone, replaced by a mask of implacability. He'd seen that look hundreds of times on House's face. It now found a home on Chase.

"No worries Dr. Wilson I'll get you that chair."

Cold politeness; that was worse than if Chase had told him to fuck off.

"Chase, I…."

Chase smiled a smile that came nowhere near his eyes and said with mock sincerity, "No, no Dr. Wilson it's no trouble."

Wilson decided to leave it alone for now and focus on finding his lost friend.

Chase helped Wilson into the wheelchair he found at the nurses' station. Cuddy was in the hall waiting in one of the visitor seating areas nearby.

Wilson gave Cuddy a look that conveyed what they were up against, and she went into crisis management mode.

"Okay Chase find Foreman and check the roof and parking lot. I'll take the basement and first floor, we need more help but be discrete, I don't want to start any rumors or a panic... Go get Taub, and Thirteen too,have them take the second and third floor, you and Foreman the fourth and fifth, be sure to have them check every family room, visitors lounge, and doctor's lounge. Don't forget closets, oh and the on call rooms and locker rooms." Chase was already running.

"Wilson, I want you to think, think about where he might go. You sit here and wait and think."she directed.

"Like hell, I'm not going to just sit here. I am going to look too."

"Wilson you've just had major surgery, what if you reopen your incision? You're at risk from hospital borne infections, and bleeding out. You need to stay here and wait."

"Lisa, he's in trouble…" the fear in his eyes convinced her to relent.

As big as PPTH was the six doctors had searched everywhere in record time, they all congregated in the diagnostics conference room. Looking somewhat frazzled and out of breath, the others reported the failure of their search to Cuddy and Wilson.

Wilson was starting to feel tired and the inferno of pain around his incision was a misery of epic proportions. He was sweating, and blanched from the pain when he ran into the table with his chair. He needed to be back in bed, but he wouldn't go until they found House. He was so pale Thirteen said "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine, I just want lay down and take a nap when this is over…" Wilson suddenly had an expression of horror on his face.

"OH MY GOD!!!" Wilson began maneuvering the chair frantically towards the hall, the group following him.

"CUDDY, OPEN THIS DOOR NOW!!!!"

They were standing in front of Wilson's door. Chase immediately understood where Wilson was going before he'd even made it to the hallway. He turned around, ran to House's side of the balcony, jumping over the dividing wall in seconds.

Just as Cuddy found the key and was opening the door they heard Chase scream from the balcony, "GET A CRASH CART!!!!!"

Wilson pushed Cuddy aside and wheeled into the office, he saw Chase through the glass screaming, he looked down on the floor by the couch and saw House … He leapt from the chair and was checking House for a pulse. House's lips were blue, he wasn't breathing. His heart was bradying down, to such a level that Wilson was having a hard time feeling the pulse.

Foreman pushed House over onto his back, and began compressions, Wilson began breathing into House's mouth… every fifteen. They got through one set before Thirteen came running with a crash cart. Taub, had seen the vicodin bottle and ran to get some naltrexone.

Cuddy was on Wilson's phone calling the ER telling them to bring a gurney and more supplies. All of these events happened with such rapidity,t hat only a few minutes elapsed from Wilson's eureka.

Wilson tears streaming, had an ambu bag in his hand giving House much needed oxygen. He stared at his friend s face, so smooth and calm, so pain free. It was surreal.

While House's team worked in a furious dance,

" Tube him, we don't want to lose his airway! IV in ….amp of epi …

push the naltrexone …"

Someone had hooked him up to the portable monitor, his heart rate continued to drop, this brought even more frenetic activity.

House's heart went into vfib and they began shocking him.

They charged to two hundred, then two-sixty, and then three hundred …finally his heart returned to its proper rhythm.

It was the most beautiful sound Wilson had ever heard, the beep of the monitor signaling House's heart was beating.

House was more stable they brought a gurney into the small room, and Foreman and Chase hoisted him on it. Wilson was still bagging him, but Thirteen gently removed his hand and took over, as they raised it for transport and buckled House in.

By this time, they had an audience, and Cuddy was clearing the halls for the gurney. She had the elevator key into the lock so the doors remained open.

"Get back to work people, nothing to see here." She yelled.

Chase, Foreman, and Thirteen ran the gurney to the elevator, Cuddy yanked the key out and they were gone.

Taub, was standing next to Cuddy awaiting her instructions. They were still in the hall when they heard Wilson.

"Uhhh, Lisa…." and then the sound of the oncologist's body hitting the floor with a smack. They ran to Wilson, he was face down over the threshold of his office. He hadn't even tried to break his fall with his arms. Wilson was now unconscious and there was blood everywhere.

Taub ran to the phone before Cuddy could ask and was calling the code team again. Meanwhile, Cuddy was applying pressure to his wound trying to stop the tremendous amount of blood coming from it. Taub was grabbing an IV kit from the cart, there wasn't much left in the way of supplies, and he was hoping the other cart arrived soon. The former plastic surgeon looked at Cuddy's hands on Wilson's side, and saw the blood was coming too fast, it wasn't clotting.

"Shit! He's not clotting." He jumped back over Wilson's body and ran down the hall. He passed the code team on the way, and shouted. "It's Dr. Wilson, he's bleeding out. He needs FFP, I'm going to get it."

Cuddy stood back as they worked to stabilize Wilson, and began to cry.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Hope everyone's okay after that cliffie! Here's a little update.

Disclaimer: I do Not own HOUSE M.D.

* * *

After all the racing around and emotional turmoil of the day Lisa Cuddy was a mess. She was covered in Wilson's blood, she'd been crying, and hair was springing up in a wild mass of curls. This shower was going to be heaven. She sat the scrubs down and stripped her fashionista togs off, all the way down to her Manolo Blahnik pumps, and threw them in the trash. She never wanted to see them again, even if they did cost a small fortune. The shower felt great at first, but when she noticed the water running pink with Wilson's blood, she started sobbing.

House had another episode of v-fib in the ER. This time it took ten minutes to get his heart back into sinus rhythm. There was a significant chance of there being heart damage, brain damage, kidney damage, and liver damage. In short House was going to pay for his slip up in every way imaginable. He would lose his job, have to do cardiac rehab, possibly dialysis. If he was lucky he wouldn't need a new liver.

But the real consequences, or the ones that House would care about, were the shame and humiliation he would feel with every one either disgusted with him or pitying him. He would have to go back to Mayfield, and that alone would be punishment enough. But, there was another consequence that would utterly destroy him, and that would be… Wilson's death.

Because of Wilson's liver donation, his body wasn't making enough clotting factors, which turned his suture failure from a medical nuisance, to an emergency. They filled him with FFP a blood product that aids in clotting, as well as whole blood but Wilson was now bleeding from other places his nose, his eyes, even his rectum, it was clear that Wilson had developed DIC* .

Still unconscious House didn't have to watch the medical staff frantically trying to save Wilson, or hear them repeatedly trying to keep his friends heart going. Bag after bag of blood, and platelets, were being poured into him in an effort to get ahead of the bleeding, there was a reason they called DIC: Death Is Coming.

An exhausted Chase, stood trying to catch his breath, he'd been running around since one o'clock and it was now ten of six. Foreman joined him in leaning against the wall.

"I can't believe this…"Chase said softly.

"I know . It sucks." Foreman replied unusually emotional.

The two leaned against the wall in silence, trying to breathe and process what had just happened. Thirteen and Taub , walked over to where they were standing. Taub's white coat bloody with Wilson's blood, Thirteen had sweat beading on her brow. They had all worked at an insane pace to save the two attendings.

Taub broke the silence and said "Who wants to get drunk?"

They all looked at him simultaneously and responded with a clear "Me!"

"Okay, why don't we get cleaned up and head over to the bar across the street." Taub suggested.

They were sitting at the bar in thirty minutes.

* * *

DIC: Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation- A process where the body develops several small clots, which uses up the body's clotting factors and causes massive bleeding. SEE WIKIPEDIA.

FFP: Fresh Frozen Plasma


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: I know this is an EPIC amount of whump. Never fear, there is light at the end of the tunnel....

Disclaimer: I do NOT own HOUSE M.D.

Whatever you do.... PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!!!!

* * *

House regained consciousness, around lunchtime the next day. The first thing he became aware of was the sound, the sound of the Hospital during the day. People working, coming and going, the beeping of monitors, it's damn loud at times . The sound pulled him from the depths of his unconscious mind; he drifted up through layers of light, sound, and touch. He became more and more aware of the pinkish light coming through his eyelids; suddenly the feeling of the tube down his throat yanked him up through the last bit of unawareness.

'Why am I intubated?' He couldn't remember. He lifted his arms to remove the foul tube, and found them bound in soft-sided leather restraints. His head reeled with disorientation. His good leg also bound in restraints.

'What the hell?' He was becoming more and more agitated, he began looking around the room and saw some nurse sitting in a chair next to his bed, and she had fallen asleep. He quickly put together the scenario that would win him such stellar accommodations.

'SHIT! I've really fucked up this time. What happened?'

Before he could focus on remembering, pain broke in and demanded his attention. His leg, furious at being in one position for so long, was spasming its muscle growing tighter and tighter. This was a pain defined, a known variable. He felt the other pains competing for his attention, recognized them as the throbbing burns bestowed from using a defibrillator.

'Great…'

Yet there was something deeper, a new pain, from down in the viscera, lurking shark like, in the depths. A tightening sensation, not unlike his leg… He was over breathing the vent; the shark was swimming in circles closer and closer to the surface.

He heard the monitors on the ventilator register his rapid breathing pattern, the cardiac monitor's louder more ominous beep, grew quicker in tempo. He moaned.

Finally, sleeping beauty awoke. House's eyes implored her to help him. She looked at the monitor, concern wrinkling her brow.

"Dr. House, hang on I'm gonna help you." Hitting the call button ,she called out, "Bring a crash cart to 421 STAT!"

The shark's body now visible from the surface…the pain was coming from his chest.

From the burns on his skin, he knew he'd been shocked at least once already, judging by the searing nature of the pain, he would bet on two or more.

The pressure built, and his arm ached, he was nauseous.

Just as the toothy maw broke the surface, just as the pain was more than he could bear, Chase came running into the room. Seeing him lessened his anxiety, but the pain was breaching, flashing, a great, white, pain that drug him down into the depths.

Chase, still exhausted from the day before and the night after it, was reading House's chart at the nurses' station, when the monitors started going off. He ran down the hall to House's room, the call came seconds later. Someone was running with a crash cart close behind him.

" Dammit when is this going to end," he whispered.

Chase felt a pang of fear at his minds reply 'When he's dead.''

House was pale and diaphoretic, the ECG showed he was having an MI, a problem of much larger proportions than the earlier events of v-fib. He was going to have massive damage if they didn't do something to stop it.

Down the hall in the same ICU wing, James Evan Wilson held on to life. The DIC finally abated, but he was still very critical, as close to exsanguinated as you can get without dying. Without dozens of units of whole blood poured into him as he bled from his entire body, including the skin, he would have died in minutes. The staff fought for his survival fiercely, he was well loved. There were flowers and cards already festooning every surface of the room and next to his bed sat a very exhausted Lisa Cuddy. She had to keep shooing well-wishers away from Wilson's room.

In House's room there was only the cold impersonal suicide watch for company. The entire hospital was angry with him. They blamed him for what happened to Wilson.

But, they were idiots… as House would say. If Wilson hadn't torn his sutures , they wouldn't have caught the DIC in time to have any chance of saving him. It was doubtful the team had realized this, as they were still shell shocked by the whole battle to save the older doctors.

Now, all House had, was Chase trying to save him again. The stake even higher now.

If he survived, the damage to his heart had the potential of taking away any meaningful recovery.

Chase cared for House more than he ever thought possible, it sickened him to see him suffering. It made him furious to hear the spiteful, nasty comments flying around the hospital. He couldn't help but feel responsible, he had fucked up epically. He should have stayed with House, should have stuck to him whether the old bastard let him or not. All these thoughts, crammed to the back of his mind as he endeavored once again to save his boss, his mentor, and yes, his friend.

Cuddy arose from the recliner in Wilson's room at the sound of the code down the hall; she threw her heels off and ran toward the commotion.

"What happened?"

"He's having a heart attack, a massive one."

"Thrombolytics?"

"On board, heparin and ace inhibitors as well."

"Don't forget the nitro, the pain will keep his heart rate up and stress the heart more"

"Already gave him the spray…"

Cuddy was at a loss, she didn't know what to do to stop this madness. Her heart was aching too. As she watched House struggle and fight for his life.

While Cuddy was out of the room Wilson began to wake up, as if he knew something was wrong with House…

Out of the fog he came, stumbling through the mists of drugs and pain he fought his way toward wakefulness. He opened his eyes, and closed them again.

Almost, he was almost there. Wilson fluttered his eyes open fighting the urge to succumb to the fog, and in the next moment his eyes opened, and stayed open.

Everything was blurry, his eyes dry and scratchy. He felt the tube in his airway, he understood why it was there, and tried to tame any claustrophobic anxiety to rip the thing out.

His eyes cleared and he saw the room filled with riotous color, it made him smile secretly.

He was alone, but looking at the outpouring of love and concern for him made him feel warm inside.

'House would hate this' he mused…

It was clear from the sounds the monitors were making that he was awake, why had no one come to check, this is the ICU after all.

Then he became aware of the sound of someone being worked on by the code team.

He could be stuck trying to keep from feeling suffocated by the ventilator for many more minutes than he could bear.

He decide to do what House would do, though it would hurt like a bitch, and remove it himself.

'Damn,' his arms were restrained. Now he had to find a way to occupy his mind to keep from freaking out.

Bits and pieces of conversation wafted down the corridor and through his open door.

He heard a voice ask "Thrombolytics?" He realized the voice belonged to Cuddy. 'Why is she here?'

Aussie replies "…something, something, heparin, something" it was Chase.

Whomever, they were working on was having a heart attack or stroke, some kind of infarction…

In that nanosecond of recognition, all of yesterday's events, came rushing through his brain, wiping out any trace of the fogginess left behind.

'House! Oh my God , Greg… Please be all right, please live… I … need you. Greg stay with me. God please, please let him live…' he prayed desperately.

Tears trickling down into the collar of his gown, he tried to lift his arm to wipe them away, forgetting about the restraints again.

He clenched his fists and slammed them down on the bed in frustration. His right hand brushed against something cool and hard. He recognized it as the remote with the call button.

He maneuvered the remote, as if he were diffusing a bomb. He couldn't let it slip through the rails and onto the floor.

He was able to get the unwieldy thing in his hand, but he couldn't see it.

He smiled a grim smile; it was all right. The Braille characters told him what each button was.

He never knew learning Braille on a bet would serve him so well. He pushed the button for nurse. Praying someone would get here soon. More importantly, explain to him why the hell he

was back in the ICU.


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: Heavy stuff ahead… Hope I wasn't too ham-fisted.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own HOUSE M.D.

Somehow, miraculously, House lived. It was another two days, lost in the vortex of unconsciousness. They found the clot in his heart, in the cath lab, and repaired it with angioplasty. The CPK enzymes showed only mild damage had been done from the blockage. House had Chase to thank for that. He not only saved his life, but he saved his heart too. Chase was now sitting by House's bedside, waiting for the curmudgeon, to awake. He could not chance something else going wrong and not be there to fix it.

The past week found Chase's heart opening up to House more and more, and when he had to fight to save him, when he felt his friends honor besmirched, he found a love for House that was pure and innocent. He felt as if House was his responsibility now; that no one else was to be trusted with this broken hearted, lonely man. He didn't know why he felt the way he did about House, but he knew he would do anything to keep him from suffering any more. House had suffered enough for five people's lifetimes and by God he deserved to live the rest of his life with someone caring about him, and wanting only the best for him. He needed someone willing to protect him and fight for him, and Chase was that someone.

Wilson, was feeling much better physically. His incision was healing nicely, he didn't have any more coagulation problems, and other than the burns on his chest there was nothing really wrong with him, so they moved him to a regular private room.

However, there was a problem. James, found himself grieving for House and seeing the hurt he had caused his friend.

He should have known better, why was he so stupid?

Why did he ignore House's efforts to talk to him, to open up to him?

So much for twenty years of friendship, he was so wrapped up in his desire to fix House that he forgot who he was. He had stopped seeing him a long time ago. The fractious nature of their relationship in the past five or six years played a big part in that. But…

When did he change from understanding that House was probably the most sensitive and generous soul he'd ever known, to thinking that he was only selfish, egotistical, and hell bent on self-destruction.

That House had become a nuisance, instead of his friend spoke only of Wilson's failure to love him deeply enough to see past the top layer.

To know only the top part of the iceberg hadn't been enough because what was underneath was so much darker and larger. It was not a surprise that there was more to the story, just the enormity of it. Everyone saw House's bitterness and prickliness and extrapolated their own theories as to why he was so difficult. There was the camp that said that House was just an ass, who only cared about himself and the one that made him a tragic hero of sorts. Both were true, and yet very wrong.

How could Wilson know any part of House's childhood, and not at least guess at the reality?

He had stupidly ignored the fact that House rarely gave anything away, that he was terrified of being vulnerable and having those vulnerabilities exploited. So knowing _anything_ was an indicator that the truth was far more frightening.

Wilson had looked at House through the lens of his own happy childhood, and had held him to the expectations of a person who had lived with love and compassion as a child, rather than seen him as the broken creature he was, or seen him through the lens of House's experience not Wilson's.

Frankly, it was clear that he didn't want to know, or see the truth. That he couldn't be bothered.

As James looked back over the past five years, he began to see where he turned a blind eye to the things House tried to reveal, and missed his attempts to get Wilson to believe him about his current pain. Why would he tell more?

House had repeatedly given opportunities for Wilson to prove he could be trusted as a friend, and Wilson refused them all. The only conclusion James could make was that the sum total of their friendship appeared to be skin deep, and that Wilson was a very bad, best friend.

Wilson was so busy being angry and superior, that his friends distress and slide into delusion and madness was ignored. He didn't get that House went to Mayfield to save himself because he had no one but Wilson, and he couldn't be relied on anymore.

House gave Wilson the chance when he got back to regain his trust and give him a safe haven, to shelter him from the storms of his own making, to love him. But Wilson put their friendship in a rigid frame, and made it difficult for House to grow beyond his definition of him, and failed him once again.

Now House stood on a precipice about to lose everything that he cared about, because Wilson had refused to listen to what he tried to tell him.

Wilson sucked.

Cuddy knew she was at least part of the reason House was laying in the ICU. As arrogant as that sounded she couldn't deny it. The two had danced around their feelings, had made a game of what was true and real for more than twenty years. He had hurt her many times, but how often had she hurt him?

Lisa flushed with shame as she realized she never even considered how many times and ways she had injured him…

How she never thought :

Or understood how her being there when he woke up from his coma obligated her to him, because she led him to believe she cared.

How easily she abandoned him without a second thought.

Like Wilson, she had forgotten who House really was and become immune to his desperate cries for help. And in the end had ignored his downward spiral.

How sad was it that he had been hallucinating for weeks and could not reveal it until he was afraid for other people's well being.

How she failed him:

When House went to Mayfield, she should have applauded him but she remained aloof and skeptical.

When with great courage he returned to work, knowing everyone knew where he had been. She looked upon the changes he made with a jaundiced eye, instead of embracing them.

When he came to her and opened his heart, she rejected him and didn't have the courtesy to tell him about Lucas.

How she hurt him:

What a cruel, spiteful thing she did to him, by sending him on that goose chase, humiliating him in front of a total stranger. That turkey sandwich had been the icing on the cake of Cuddy's unkindness.

Upon his return, he remained vulnerable, but again she and Wilson wouldn't see it. Despite Wilson agreeing to look out for him, he showed no interest in knowing what was really going on, and she didn't either.

The new House didn't jibe with the narrow definition she had of him, the one that allowed her to treat him like he was merely an employee and an obligation, the box that gave her not only the ability to hurt him… but to enjoy doing it.

House was going to wake up to a different world… Whether it was one he liked remained to be seen.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: Here's an update, and for my friends terrified that this is going to end horribly…stick around. Truth is I haven't decided yet.

Disclaimer: I do Not own House

While House was recovering from his heart attack, Chase had decided he needed to call Dr. Nolan, and let him know what was going on. He knew full well that it was going to piss House off, but he didn't care. House needed him to make this decision for him, no one else would.

Nolan was visibly shaken by the news of what House had done, not just because he was his doctor, but because he genuinely cared about him. He felt sad for House, and hated that he put himself in a situation that could remove any choice he had about the next step. He cleared his calendar packed a bag and drove to Princeton. He wasn't about to let any of those quacks over there do anything to Greg without talking to him first.

This is where he was now, sitting in a chair watching House lying unconscious, and recuperating from his heart attack. He was so frail looking, so vulnerable it was difficult to reconcile the larger than life image that he gave himself for the sake of others, with the still, pale figure in front of him.

Seeing him like this set his anger off once again, House had made such progress, only to have these…idiots, dismantle it with their obtuse self righteous, self absorbed, self _everything _ behavior_._ He should have never let him come back here last week, but he didn't want to take away Greg's freedom. God knows he'd suffered enough of that for three lifetimes.

That had been a huge mistake. His mistake and now Greg was paying for it. What Nolan needed to figure out was how to make this right.

As Greg had so precisely honed in on, he'd been known to bend the rules, be unorthodox, to help his patients and had paid for it with his career and family. It was time for him to think outside of the box once more, if he was going to help Greg and get him out of this predicament.

Losing his license would be a death sentence for Greg .How many innocent people would die because Greg House was gone? Whether he was dead or institutionalized, it would have far-reaching consequences, not just for him and his "_friends"._

Then again, objectively as a psychiatrist not suffering from _counter transference, _how could he allow things to go on? Any other patient would be on the unit's hospital ward the second they were released from ICU. Nolan knew that would be counterproductive to Greg's healing, he had been punished enough.

Cuddy picked that moment to walk into House's room. Nolan was still angry from where his thoughts had taken him. Things could get volatile if he let them. He couldn't do that, he needed to remain professional, if he was going to get Cuddy to give him privileges here.

Cuddy had heard House had a visitor, no one knew who he was. What had sent the rumor mill ablaze was the mysterious stranger was _black._ She had an idea who it was, but had to see for herself. If her suspicions were right, she was going to let him have it.

Nolan turned around when he heard someone entering the room. He stood when he saw it was a woman, his mother had taught him well… And what a woman. She was beautiful, and petite, but strength and power came off her in waves. 'Cuddy, no wonder Greg had fallen for her, if this is what she looked like now how, much more exquisite twenty years ago?' This confrontation was fraught with landmines he would step gingerly.

Cuddy walked in to House's room to find an aging black man standing up to greet her. This was Nolan? Somehow, she expected some fire-breathing version of Freud, and not someone's grandfather. Nevertheless, she would be careful, because if this grandfatherly figure could disarm House then she had her work cut out for her.

There was an awkward silence as they sized one another up. Nolan spoke first. "Dr. Cuddy I presume?"He stuck out his hand , "Dr. Nolan, director of Mayfield Psychiatric Hospital, and Greg's psychiatrist."

She smiled a professional smile shaking his hand and replied "Dr. Cuddy Dean of Medicine Princeton Plainsboro, and House's friend of twenty years."

The silence fell again. Once again, Nolan broke it. "Dr. Cuddy is there somewhere private we can talk?"

She nodded enthusiastically; she couldn't wait to get him in a room alone so she could tell him what she thought of him. "How about my office?"

"Is that your office on the ground floor?"

"Yes, why?"

"I was thinking somewhere more private, where the entire hospital wouldn't see me."

He had a point, it would only make things worse in the rumor department, and House would hate anyone knowing about Nolan's visit.

"Yes, I have a colleague's office we can use on this floor."

They walked in a neutral silence to Wilson's office. When suddenly Cuddy remembered all that had happened there. She stopped at his door and saw Wilson lying there, bleeding out all over again. Her respirations were up , she was trapped in the memory for a few seconds. He Heard her gasp.

"James…so mmmmuch blood… Hang on…" she whispered.

Nolan recognized immediately what was happening to Cuddy. His anger dissipated with her distress.

"Dr. Cuddy, Dr, Cuddy,…Lisa, you're all right, just breathe, listen to my voice Lisa. This is a different day Lisa, you are safe… everyone is safe."

His deep velvet voice soothed her; she began to calm down and became aware of where she was. She looked around terrified and embarrassed.

"Perhaps this wasn't such a good idea."

"Lisa, you just had a flashback. Do you really think things are normal around here… if they ever were?"

He had a very salient point. But Cuddy was as stubborn and as impenetrable as House when she wanted to be. Thing was, she discovered she didn't want to be…

"No… they aren't." Her tears began to tell their own story.

"Let's go in. I know it will be difficult but I think it will help you to process what happened, and give me a better understanding of it."

She nodded and opened the door. The room had been cleaned up, but she could still make out the bloodstain by the door. Her breath hitched as the image of House lying there so still, so pale his lips turning blue she began to tremble and her respirations were increasing rapidly, Cuddy felt like she couldn't breathe and she was starting to panic. His voice once again pulled her from the edge.

"Lisa, you are safe. Everyone is safe. .. Just slow deep breaths…That's good…Tell me what you see"

"He's dead oh my God he's dead." She started crying out.

"Lisa, Greg isn't dead. You saved him. He's safe. You're safe. James is safe."

When she regained her composure she was red faced with shame.' What must he think of me.'

"Lisa, come sit down and let's have a talk." He patted the cushion near him.

"What do you want to know?"

"I want to know what happened. I want to know how you felt then, and how you feel now."

"Okay."

"Okay? Good. Start whenever you are ready. No rush we have plenty of time"

"I don't know where to start."

"Anywhere that feels right."

"Okay. I'll start at the conference… I had been hiding my relationship from Hou… Greg since he returned."

"Why?"

"I don't know, I thought I hid it to protect him partly, and to avoid any of his outrageous behavior. Now I'm not so sure."

"What do you think now?"

"I think I hid it because I was afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

"Afraid of how stupid it would sound to hear me say it. Of how much of a lie it was."

"What do you mean? A lie about what exactly?"

"The lie I kept telling myself that I didn't love Greg, and he didn't love me. I ignored that I was at least part of his problem. If I had to tell him about Lucas it would hurt him, and I didn't want to see it. Because I knew how wrong it was that I didn't want to wait on him anymore, simply because I was scared of his fragility. It terrified me to see him falling apart. It made every stupid supposition I had about him false."

"I guess ultimately I didn't tell him because it was easier that way… God I am such a _bitch"._

"That must have been a very hard situation to be in. I'm sure you did the best you could."

"No. No I didn't. He deserved a chance to show me, to at least tell me… but I destroyed that because I was afraid. Now everything has turned to shit. I almost lost him and Wilson, I forgot that they were my family, before Lucas, and even before Rachel… "

"What else?... Come on don't stop there."

"And I am so sorry…sorry for all of us…" She began crying in earnest, he put his hand on her shoulder, just to let her know he was here.

Cuddy cried for several minutes before he said "Lisa, you are right this situation is a damn mess. But I think we can salvage it."

"You do?"

"Yes I do." He smiled at her .

"You know this wasn't exactly what I had in mind for our meeting," she laughed.

"Oh me either, trust me. But this is better don't you think?"

"Yes, definitely… Thank you Dr. Nolan… for everything."

"Well since it appears we have decided not to be enemies, let's get started on making things better."


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: Here's some update, hope you think it's great. Whatever you do please don't forget… to read and review!

Disclaimer: I do NOT own HOUSE M.D.

Wilson was finally healed enough to visit House in his room. He still hadn't awoken, and they were beginning to wonder if he had suffered from anoxia during the heart attack and the overdose. There was of course another option for the reason House had yet to wake up, and that was because he didn't want too. Nolan had discussed this with him yesterday that House may be so traumatized by everything that happened and by what consequences he would face that he was essentially in a psychologically induced coma. Wilson couldn't deal with that fact right now. He just wanted to see his friend, to touch him and know he was alive.

When he arrived in House's cardiac ICU room, he found Cuddy and Nolan sitting next to Greg's bed talking quietly. Not bothering to greet the pair, he wheeled around to the other side of the bed and held House's hand, his hand was so frail and cold, there seemed to be no life in him. The sound of the ventilator was disturbing and Wilson felt a pang of devastation in his chest, he tried to keep it in… it was useless; he began crying harder and harder until he was finding it difficult to breathe. He felt a warm strong hand on his shoulder, and Lisa's tiny one touching his arm, but he wouldn't let go of House's hand… he couldn't.

For years Wilson lived in fear of what Greg would do next. Nevertheless the countless incidents where House had cheated death and remained remarkably intact, had served to make even him, complacent and he too began to believe the myth that Greg was indestructible.

Now he saw the scars of these forays into the hinterlands of the living, all over his friends face. His body always a bit too thin, was now skeletal, his skin loose and waxen over his bony frame. James Wilson was an oncologist he recognized when peoples' bodies and their souls started to shut down. House looked an awful lot like one of his patients, days away from death, hanging on in a sad half life for some loved one not ready to let go. He was on the verge of losing his best friend, and possibly the love of his life.

"James? Shhh… it's okay. I know you're hurting and scared but Greg is still with us, so we have hope." Darryl's rich voice soothing him.

He nodded and wiped the tears and snot from his face with the handkerchief Nolan handed him. His heart was breaking. He hadn't really allowed himself to admit how much he loved Gregory House until now. He didn't know what it meant to love someone so totally, and not be lovers, but he was pretty sure that Greg was the great relationship of his life, outside of women, family, everyone. He felt as if he had been running from that fact for years, bothered what it might mean, he saw now that it was foolish to question a love so powerful, or to try to label it. They were binary stars, always in each other's orbit; one could not be without the other.

So here he sat grief pouring out of him, helpless in the face of this overwhelming tragedy unfolding around him. He simply could not stop the tears.

"James, let's go somewhere and talk. Okay? You don't want Greg to hear you being so sad do you?"

He shook his head no and looked up at Lisa, a teary question in his eyes. She knew what he wanted.

"Don't worry Wilson I'll stay with him until you come back."

Nolan drove the wheelchair to one of the ICU consult rooms where doctors met with family members to discuss their loved ones status. Wilson couldn't help being a bit unnerved by it, knowing he had availed himself of these rooms dozens of times to deliver the worst kind of news.

"Here this will be more private." They entered the tiny room and Nolan sat on the small couch across from Wilson's chair.

"James, we need to talk about things. I know we spoke briefly yesterday, but I think now we need to get into this situation in earnest."

'Damn, he doesn't beat around the bush…but then I've always known that.' "Darryl, I don't know if I can take this right now."

"James, you really don't have a choice. I am invoking the friend privilege here. You know the ones where I ask you what I want and you answer me honestly, because we are friends."

Wilson sighed. "What do you want to know?"

"First of all let me say how incredibly stupid it was of you to donate your liver to a patient. You know better. And don't give me that crap about him being your friend, he used you and you know it."

He winced at the frank assessment. "Yeah well hindsight etc…"

"Second of all, why is it when Greg was hearing voices, and realized it was you talking to Amber,he asked you to talk to him and you shot him down. If I'm not mistaken you have claimed for years that you wanted him to add that dimension to your relationship. Therefore, you denied him the opportunity, and essentially rejected him. I just need to understand what the hell it is you think something like that might do to him."

"Thirdly, why didn't you call me when Lisa was so cruel to him? Don't you realize how much he has been through? Something like that would have triggered in him a feeling of giving up, based on the fact he is unlovable. That he tried to do what everyone wanted, trusted in their love, as hard as that is for him, only to have the confirmation that either you were all shitty friends, or that he was inherently unworthy of being loved. It is a setback of epic proportions. Do you know he called me, at the cusp of giving up, tired and worn out from trying to stay sober, working hard to change himself. He faced so many demons bravely just on my promise that he could indeed be happy. You have all made me into a LIAR."

"Finally, we are now in an actual fight for his life. Not only did he overdose, but suffered an MI, in which he either cannot wake from or does not wish to. You are aware that not only his life hangs in the balance but his career and even his freedom because of these events. I find myself, James, in the unenviable position of trying to find a way to help Greg to want to live… That will have to include his medical license, and a serious come to Jesus meeting with you and Cuddy."

Wilson felt the words wash over him like a cold wave pinning him down on the sandy bottom. He fought to reorient himself from the force of the barrage.

He stammered "The thing with talking with him, I think I resented him still over all the things that had happened the past two years. I wasn't expecting him to say that to me… I wanted to stay mad, because I am afraid of what I really feel for him. I am terrified he will leave me, or hurt me… God…I am so pathetic."

"Are you saying to me that you not only love Greg but that you may be _in love _with him?"

"I don't know…I have never been attracted to men, but the way I feel about him is supernatural."

"Go on…"

"After Amber died I tried to stay away from him, I couldn't. The fact is we are soul mates, are we potential lovers? I don't know. I only know I cannot and will not live without him. I am just so sorry it took this for me to wise up."

"Well James that is some serious stuff. But if it makes you feel better, you may wish to consider that he is your friend that is closer than a brother. I think you often confuse sex with being the point of love, and that is how you ended up divorced three times. The sexuality is not the focus here. The larger issue is whether you will surrender yourself to this love you have for Greg, and forgive him and accept him the way he is. If you can't do that then maybe you should let him go. Because you are killing him."

Wilson shifted uncomfortably in his seat, his stitches itching a bit, and feeling discomfited by Nolan's frank words. He sighed and said "What else?"

"Oh yeah Lisa… I had wanted that relationship for him for so long, knowing he's loved her for twenty years. I was hopeful they could work things out now that he was doing so well. But …she was dating Lucas and I didn't know, and he declared his feelings for her at my urging only to be rejected. At first he tried to deal with it in his old way, by breaking them up. Then he decided to be nice. He thought Lisa's invitation was real, and drove six hours, three each way, only to find she lied to humiliate him. She knows what being in a car for hours does to his leg, but she did it anyway. When he got back he broke into Lucas' apartment just to let him know how much he loves Lisa, though he was faking being drunk. Regardless the words were true. After that, he gave up. I guess I was so hurt and guilty for encouraging him I was ashamed to call you."

"Yes well Lisa has her own anger issues with Greg to work out obviously. I am sure she resents him as well. You know it is quite common when an addict gets sober all the people who stood by him while they were using, disappear. They are done, and resent the years wasted going through hell, with the addict, when it seemed as though if they would have tried harder, sooner… that a lot of heartache and suffering could have been avoided. Be that as it may we are here to talk about you and Greg."

"You understand James that Greg is in serious danger of losing everything he cares about. I am here to help Greg get through this and salvage what we can from the situation. I need to know about the pills and booze in your office."

Wilson swallowed his throat still aching from his crying. " You know I can't believe I forgot about the pills, I knew the liquor was there, we would occasionally have a shot together after a particularly hard day . I emptied his apartment of every narcotic I could find. I scoured the place for it. I don't know why I was so stupid as to forget the ones in my desk. Now I may lose him for my stupidity."

Nolan thought for a few moments before saying, "Is there any chance he didn't intend on the overdose?"

James sat up and looked him in the eye hopefully. "Oh my God… you think it was an accident?"

"All I know is Greg called me, having difficulty with staying sober, and then he came for a session with Dr. Chase where he spoke of how hard it was for him lately to stay away from the narcotics. He agreed to try NA and he denied being suicidal, vehemently."

"What you're saying is if we can make everyone believe it was an accident he won't have to lose his license? He won't have to go back to Mayfield?"

"James, I think it's pretty much a foregone conclusion Greg will need to come back for awhile. Yet I hope to convince the board here, and the state medical board that this was a sobriety issue, and that Greg had no intention of killing himself."

Nolan paused …

"You realize of course, that is a total lie. I think he told himself he was just relapsing but in actuality fully intended to kill himself. It was a sincere suicide attempt. One he knew if he botched could be chalked up to his addiction. As you know, Greg NEVER does anything without a reason. That is why he has to come back to the hospital.

However I don't see why Greg needs to be punished for his fragility and that is exactly what taking his license would be; cruel and unusual punishment."

Wilson felt like throwing up, he hadn't expected the harsh reality that House wanted to die. He had always suspected as much, yet he always left it up to House's extreme recklessness. He couldn't reconcile his bold, and arrogant nature with suicidality.

Tears started running down his face again and he found it hard to speak but he said

" Why? Why is he hurting so much? Why doesn't he let me love him, or anyone love him. I just want to understand. I have all these guesses, and for years, I thought it was his leg and his pain; it's obvious now it is so much bigger than that. I need to know Darryl, please tell me. He may die, and I won't have ever really, understood him ."

They sat silent while Nolan considered James's words, and while James dried his tears. The silence went on for minutes until Nolan made a decision. It would be an ethical nightmare, but he was going to risk it for his patient's sake.

"Are you comfortable enough James? Because what I'm about to tell you is going to take a long time and we have already been here for quite some time?"

Wilson felt his pulse pounding in anticipation, and trepidation.

"I think I'm okay, but perhaps we should go back to my room so I can lie down, I am starting to get tired."

"Very well, why don't we check on Greg and Lisa, get ourselves a snack and then continue this in your room."

James nodded yes, then paused and said "Thank you…"


	15. Chapter 15

A/N: Warning heavy duty topic ahead.

Disclaimer: Don't own HOUSE

Read and review please.

Wilson and Nolan returned to his room after checking on House and Cuddy. They asked one of the nurses to bring a snack from the kitchen. Nolan helped Wilson back into the bed and he was almost settled when the young woman in the Tinkerbell scrubs brought him cranberry juice and graham crackers.

"Sorry Dr. Wilson this is all we had. But I could pop some popcorn for you too."

He smiled at the lovely brunette and said "Thank you so much Jessica, this is great I love graham crackers, and that popcorn sounds good too." She blushed at the handsome doctor's smile and left to microwave the popcorn.

Darryl shook his head "You still got it James; those dimples are like lethal weapons."

James chuckled at that. "Yeah well you know gotta keep the ladies happy."

They fell into silence as Wilson munched on his snack. Just then, Tinkerbell the nurse returned with a steaming bag of Orville Redenbacher.

"Be careful doctors it is very hot, here Dr. Nolan I brought you some juices too."

Nolan beamed at her and said, "Thank you very much Jessica."

After the friends polished off the popcorn and drank their juice. Nolan joked "Okay boys and girls snack time is over now it's time for a story. Everyone lay down on your mat, and when you're settled I will begin."

James laughed loudly at that, it tugged at his stitches but he welcomed it. "I'm ready teacher."

"Okay James, what I am telling you is extremely private, and what I mean by that is you are never to tell Greg you know these things unless I say you can. Do you understand?" Wilson nodded, slightly afraid.

"Well, as you know Greg had a very estranged relationship with his father and refused to see him as he was dying, and tried to avoid his funeral. What you don't realize is that during that road trip to the funeral he was on the brink of confiding some of these things I am about to share with you. But, you made it virtually impossible to do that, as you were still angry and trying to keep him out of your life."

Nolan took a deep breath still unsure about this course of action, and decided to forge ahead.

"James, what do you know of Greg's childhood, his upbringing?"

Wilson shrugged "Only that he lived all over the world, and moved around constantly and that his dad was a Marine pilot, as well as a hardass."

"Yes, all of that is true, but there is so much more. You know, of course, that Greg minimizes his pain or tries to hide it, that he keeps it very close to the vest. This has manifested in his total inability to be honest and vulnerable with his feelings."

"Yeah and just try to get him to admit he's sick…ridiculous." Wilson opined.

"James, there is a very good reason for this. He was verbally, emotionally and physically abused his entire childhood by his father. His mother either didn't know or was in total denial, I haven't sussed that out yet."

Wilson gasped in horror, felt his face blanch and his eyes tear up with pain and sadness. "Oh my GOD. I am so incredibly stupid. What a horrible friend I am, I forced him to eulogize that monster."

"James, save your self- recriminations for after I am finished, there is more."

Wilson shuddered, and nodded for Nolan to go on.

"From the time Greg was five years old his father began a campaign to "make a man" out of him. He took away any toy he considered childish, including the soft cuddly one he slept with. It was then that he started disciplining him with belt whippings.

**That same year when Greg spilled red Kool-Aid on the living room floor but his father waited until Greg's mother was gone and said they would replace the carpet together. After they removed the old carpet, and put down carpet glue and padding, his father rolled out the new carpet and they installed it… I sensed that little Greg enjoyed doing that with his dad.

Unfortunately, when the job was complete, his father made him lie down on the new carpet and stapled a carpet remnant over him to the floor, and left him there for hours, breathing in the carpet glue, afraid to cry.

Around this time perhaps six months or so later, Greg came down to dinner two minutes late and his father made him go to bed without eating, this became a hard and fast policy. As he got older, the punishments became increasingly extreme, he started placing Greg in ice baths, and forcing him to sleep out in the yard and to stand at attention for over twelve hours at a time.

The physical brutality escalated as well, he broke several of his ribs and Greg's arm at least once, and scarred him with his belt buckle numerous times.

When Greg became a teenager, he would beat him with his fists. Greg suffered in silence, to hide the physical abuse from his mother, for fear of it happening to her. She did witness the verbal abuse frequently, and she begged Greg to obey his father, only making him feel even more like he deserved it.

He was a brilliant child as I'm sure you must know, but the moving around, the abuse he suffered, and his intelligence made making friends nearly impossible, and he was often bullied. One time when he came home with a black eye, his father asked him if he beat the kid up who did it, Greg answered no, and that led to a demonstration, with his father's fists on Greg's body, of the proper way to fight. He terrorized Gregory throughout his childhood and even a few times when he was an adult his father punched him in the face. All the while constantly berating and belittling Greg. The miracle is just how normal Greg House is."

The room fell into a frigid quiet. Wilson was shocked; he tried to process the scope of what had been done to his friend. It was unfathomable. He was too stunned to cry, it was so surreal.

"James, you also need to realize that these are only the things Greg would tell me, and he never acted as if these events were a "big deal" as he put it. He has overwhelming shame about it, and as most survivors of long-term abuse and trauma, he is a little stuck emotionally. Stuck as that five-year-old boy trying to make sense of the way his life became so frightening. Hoping to find a reason for why his daddy would do these things, and finding the blame in himself."

Wilson's voice quivered with emotion "Oh God Greg I am so, so, sorry. I can't believe I was so blind. It all makes so much sense now. How could you be as well as you are…" and James began to sob uncontrollably with grief, sadness, and rage.

After Wilson was spent physically, and he had calmed down to the hiccupping stage of crying, Nolan spoke. "James, now that you know the truth you may understand your friend a little better, but don't use this knowledge to place blame on yourself, or to absolve Greg of wrong doing."

Wilson nodded. "We should tell Lisa."

"No, not right now. That would stir up a completely new set of complications… Are you going to be all right?"

"Someday…I hope. I'm torn between digging that bastard up and killing him again with my bare hands, and running to House and burying my face in his shoulder and crying with him."

"Well, I'm afraid you can do neither. When Greg is ready, you can hold him and cry with him. Right now, he cannot even acknowledge neither his right nor need to cry for his childhood torment. In fact, he would refuse to give it that moniker. He has a long time to go before he will allow himself or anyone else to grieve for him."

"Thank you for telling me Darryl, but I think I need to be alone for awhile."

"Okay James, I'll go and relieve Lisa and sit with Greg. Let me know if you want to talk some more."

"Thanks."

Wilson stared at nothing his mind reeling. He started imagining what House's childhood was like. And his heart broke all over again.

* * *

** This is from the fantastic story "When Pranks Go Wrong" Written by In The House. A great author and kind person. An all around good egg. All of their stories are well written and more than worth your time.


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: Here's an update.

And Here's a DISCLAIMER: ME NO OWN HOUSE M.D.

And Here's me begging you to READ AND REVIEW!!!!!!!!

House woke up again. He was still intubated, still in the ICU.

'Still on suicide watch apparently.'

He eyed the figure in the chair next to him. The room was dark but he didn't recognize the silhouette, whoever it was they were big. He imagined it was some ball busting nurse sent just to keep him in line. His chest ached and his thigh thrummed along in agony with his pulse. He began to remember what happened.

'Crap, I had a heart attack' Hope Chase caught it in time. There were no huge bandages; his chest didn't feel like anyone had cracked it wide open, so they must have fixed it in the cath lab. He sighed with relie,f as much as you can on a respirator any way. Speaking of, he was becoming more and more uncomfortable; he could feel the anxiety blooming like a mushroom cloud within him. He tried to calm himself, but he just panicked more, as he felt suffocated by the vent. His heart rate was going up again; he was scared he would go into v-fib again or worse. Just as he was beginning to sweat with fear, the lumbering shape rose from the chair.

"Greg…Shhhh it's okay. You are going to be all right. Try to relax, I'm here with you."

He felt the warm sturdy hand of Darryl Nolan on his arm, and looked up into his comfortably worn face, and he began to let go of the fear. Nolan was about safety, for some reason he seemed to care about him. House would trust him, he really had no choice. He realized now he couldn't trust anyone in his life anymore, he was better off trusting the guy hired to be there for him. For some reason, he found that as he started to calm himself, tears came streaming down his face. He felt so stupid, but he couldn't cork them back up. Nolan patted his arm and comforted him. He was starting to cry harder and lose it again, and the vent was making it even more miserable.

"Greg, I want to remove the vent okay? Don't worry I am a real doctor you know." He winked at House.

"Okay Greg you know the drill, on the count of three cough. One, two, THREE, cough hard!" He pulled the tube out as quickly and gently as possible.

After a cough or two, more House looked up at Nolan and uttered a raspy "Thanks."

House had been distracted by the extubation but now in the ventilator free silence his mind turned to the reason Nolan was here. "So… I guess I screwed up…"

Nolan sighed and pulled the chair closer. He sat back down, and returned his hand to House's arm. He looked down as if in shame before he said

"No Greg that was me. I screwed up. I shouldn't have let you leave on Saturday."

House shook his head emphatically "No, I am the idiot who ruined six months of sobriety, and took too many vicodin with my booze. I think I was just out of practice, it hit me harder than I expected."

Nolan thought for a minute, deciding whether to buy into the fantasy that what happened was an accident. He chose to let House keep talking; he would make that decision later. Therefore, he nodded in encouragement for Greg to keep going.

"Anyway, I just ran to Wilson's office to get a break, to calm down. I only wanted to quiet the noise in my head, and lie in the dark on his couch. I sat there for a while and then this thought from nowhere flashes across my mind … like heat lightening. It was something like 'There's vicodin in Wilson's desk...' and next thing I knew I was holding those little bastards in my hand, I can't even remember swallowing them. Then another brilliant inspiration hits me as I remember Wilson's stash of booze in his cabinet. Well, in like three minutes I was partying in earnest. Like I'd never stopped." There was a pause. "What's bad is I loved every second of it… Except when I had the first thought…yeah, that scared the shit outta me. But… as soon as I was holding that vicodin all doubt floated away. I only wanted those pills, and I was euphoric before a single one hit my stomach." He delivered this speech in a rapid-fire gravelly whisper, his throat still sore.

Nolan noticed the more Greg talked the more his sats dropped, it wasn't too bad. Still he found some tubing with a nasal cannula and set the oxygen on three liters before he said

"Greg, I want you to put the cannula on, before we talk anymore… good now let me respond to what you said, but you need to focus on breathing in that oxygen so your O2 sats go back up."

He waited a moment to see if the numbers would go up, and they did, it was safe to continue.

"Greg, I believe what you are saying about how you felt with the vicodin, however I do wonder if you might be leaving something out."

House knew this was coming, and he had no idea what he was going to say.

'Did I really make a mistake? Or was I trying to off myself? Fuck if I know.' "You know what Nolan; I have no fucking clue what you are talking about."

Nolan just looked at House for a long time as if he were searching him for the truth, as if he could read it in House's face, or his body. He leaned back and rubbed his face with his hands… when he had an inspiration.

"Greg, I want to finish this conversation, but I have to go and do something. I'm going to ask Dr. Chase to sit with you for awhile is that okay?"

House wasn't thrilled with the idea but he also was happy to avoid the impending 'suicide' discussion/interrogation, and he found himself intrigued with whatever Nolan was running off to do.

"Yeah, okay, send Blondie in here." He tried to sound as irritated as possible.

Nolan grinned; he knew House was relieved to side step the topic at hand. "Excellent, I'll be gone for at least an hour why don't you see if you can eat or watch TV or something?"

"Whatever." He doubted Nolan heard him because he was already out the door.


	17. Chapter 17

A/N: Work In Progress… More like torturous climb up from the depths of my nadir of talent. Please forgive … here to fore mediocrity ensues…..

Disclaimer: Thank GOD I DO NOT OWN HOUSE M.D…. I would surely butcher him in a most unpalatable way.

Read and review…*SIGH*

Darryl Nolan had an idea, one that could backfire terribly. Now was the time for the big trick play. He went to find Lisa Cuddy. She would need to be on board for this to work. He was sure James would do whatever he asked if he felt it would help Greg, but Lisa was something of a question mark. He made his way down the hall to the nurse's station and asked them to page Dr. Chase to House's room, and have his ICU nurse go do vitals until Chase arrived. Once House's sitters were set up, he headed towards the elevator to Cuddy's office.

* * *

House sat in the rattle and hum of his ICU room, enjoying what he knew would be the briefest moments of solitude. Nolan was here, that both pleased and terrified him. He couldn't face going back to Mayfield, he didn't think he would survive losing his medical license.

For the first time in a long time his emotions hovered at the surface where the slightest disturbance would bring about ripples, would cause his carefully constructed façade to crack and the truth come oozing through his vulnerabilities, like some rich oil field found in the desert.

He was scared, he barely accepted Wilson and Nolan, and he lived in fear of being found out, of having his depths plumbed, of his secrets being revealed, of his pain seeping up through his shale heart.

Still wounded by Lisa's rejection, still smarting from the sting of her effect on him, he was worried as to just how cracked his foundations had become, how his intellect would stand on the shifting sands of his sanity.

As each desperate scenario grew and implanted into his subconscious, he became more and more distraught. He began to find it harder to control his breath, to remain the vision of equanimity he so desired to be. Turning his head from the door, towards the window, he felt tears of regret trace scarlet letters of shame across his cheeks. He bit into his lip, keeping the sobs hovering on the edge, holding them from bursting forth like wild horses from his soul. He began to corral the sorrow with anger, his self- loathing whipping the beasts back into the dark canyon of his spirit. He trembled with the effort…

As soon as he reclaimed his sense of control, and returned his tenuous grasp upon his dignity, he turned back towards the door, steeled for whoever came in to mind him.

###############

Nolan found himself standing before the desk of Cuddy's gatekeeper, not at all in the mood for the man's smarmy attitude towards him. "Please tell Dr. Cuddy that Dr. Nolan is here to see her."

"Dr. Who? I'm sorry there's nothing on her calendar for a Dr. Nolan. She's currently working on the end of the fiscal year budget projections, and has left instructions she is not be disturbed unless it is deemed an emergency."

Nolan could feel the tingle in his cheeks from his blood pressure shooting up, his temper began to get the better of him. "Look… Joel, I am here at Dr. Cuddy's behest, and I need to speak with her immediately. If you do not cooperate I will make sure Dr. Cuddy knows how rude and incompetent you are."

Joel blanched at the threat as it came from a voice not unlike Darth Vader. "Y-yes, Dr. Nolan is it? Just one moment while I let her know you are here." He picked up the phone still skeptical of how important this chocolate Mr. Rogers could possibly be, and buzzed Cuddy. "Dr. Cuddy…yes I know, but there's a Dr. Nolan here to see you, I told him you were bus…Y-yes ma'am right away."

Nolan stared at him coldly, and waited for him to send him in. "Y-you can go right in Dr. Nolan."

Cuddy hung up the other line with the Chairman and stood to greet Dr. Nolan.

"Dr. Nolan, is House awake?"

"Yes, he is. That's why I'm here, I need to finish that talk with you, and then I want you to come with me to James's room and then to Greg's room. Is that something you feel comfortable with?"

Her heart was pounding at the news House was awake; she didn't know how to feel.

* * *

James Wilson opened his eyes after a much needed nap, he felt like he'd just run a marathon after the discussion with Nolan. He could see it had been a few hours, and he was anxious to check on House. He knew that Nolan said to leave him be for now, but Wilson was having a hard time just sitting here, knowing what he knew, knowing his friend was all alone, was so hurt. But he also realized the only thing doing things his way had ever gotten House was in that hospital bed, or in Mayfield. Wilson was ready to let someone else give it a try, after all it sure as hell couldn't get any worse.

* * *

"Please sit down Dr. Nolan."

He hesitated and almost had her call him Darryl, but decided against it. "Thank you Dr. Cuddy. As you know, I spent some time today talking with Dr. Wilson about Greg. In addition, you and I spoke earlier; now that he is awake, I feel there are some things we need to discuss further. Bear in mind I am risking my career here by the tactic I am going to take, but I'm hopeful in the long run Greg will thank me for it, and he will forgo his right to destroy my reputation."

"What are you saying?"

"Well Dr. Cuddy, I am prepared to tell you an awful lot about Greg that he either has not shared with you or would not want me to share, in the hopes that together we can help him through these hurdles he faces."

She stared at him in disbelief. "Do you know what you are saying?"

"Yes, I assure you I am fully aware of the gravity of what I propose. I know that not only might it bring a great price for me but it could cost the last shred of trust Greg has… "

"Dr. Nolan, I'm not sure this is a good idea, or even a healthy one."

"I know, you're of course right, but I don't want to commit Greg, and I shudder to think what would happen if he loses his license for good."

Cuddy sighed and said, "Well just because you tell me doesn't mean I have to act on anything you tell me."

"You are absolutely correct. Though I do hope you find what I share enlightening and helpful."

"First of all let me ask you Lisa…"

'We're back to first names ' she mused.

"Do you love Greg… I mean in a make a life together, way?"

Her stomach clenched at the question, she thought she made it clear the first time but now she realized she didn't really know what kind of love she had for House, she only knew she couldn't stand the thought of him not being there. Then again, she didn't want to give Lucas up either.

"I don't know… no, I don't think so."

Nolan sighed, 'Just as I feared.' "Then can you tell me what it is you feel for him, exactly?"

"I … can't imagine my life without him. Nevertheless, things have gone too far, with me and Lucas and all the hurt House and I have caused each other, the way he pushes and pulls at me… I can't do it anymore."

"Then Lisa you are going to have let him go. Greg has had too much trauma in his life, and he doesn't give his love freely, it is a precious commodity. When he came back as you have already guessed he wanted to reveal his feelings for you, and he did. Frankly, you are part of the reason he wanted to get better. This is no guilt trip, merely the truth. Where we are now is deciding what is best for him, and while I think leaving medicine would be the worst thing for him, leaving this hospital wouldn't."

She heard herself gasp. The thought of House leaving the hospital for good just never really occurred to her, even when he quit she knew in her heart he'd be back. "I don't know what to say…"

"Another thing to consider is whether Wilson would go with him. I want you to know I will ask James if he wants to go with Greg. I have a feeling his answer will be yes."

Her face was flushed and she felt anger bubbling up inside her. "Why in the hell would you do that?"

"Lisa, I understand that both of these doctors are quite a feather in this hospitals cap, and that you care for them as you said, like your family. But they are not your family, Lucas and Rachel are your family, and Greg and James are their own family. And in the end we all must choose what is right for our own family. Staying here is impossible for Greg ,and James without Greg is impossible, therefore I recommend they find somewhere to start over."

She was dumbfounded; surely, he was just being manipulative. He couldn't seriously think that House and Wilson would leave PPTH, would leave her… Then it hit her, she had left them. She traded them in for her version of the American dream, and there was nothing wrong with that. What was wrong was her expectation that "her boys" would always be there.

"No…you're right. I can't expect that. I can't keep them here for no reason other than my comfort."

'Good 'she was getting it. Just a few more nudges and he hoped she would wake up to her own denial. He encouraged her to go on with his eyes.

Cuddy was replaying the conversation in her head and she kept sticking on the phrase "Greg has had too much trauma in his life…" what did Nolan mean by that? Sure House had plenty of medical traumas, and being shot was certainly traumatic, but she sensed there was more to it than that.

He could see the wheels spinning and knew what was coming.

"What did you mean by he has "Had too much trauma in his life"? "

"This is where I am heading into dangerous territory. This is where if I answer this question I am throwing HIPA out the window."

Cuddy didn't care she wanted him to tell her. "Tell me… please."

And he did… He told her everything he told Wilson, he watched as the look of recognition and disbelief crossed her face simultaneously, he saw her eyes well with tears and her lip quiver as she struggled with control. When he was finished, she sat stunned and heartbroken, feeling more like a wretched faithless friend than ever before. He sat waiting for her to process what she'd heard, waiting for her to speak.

Cuddy stood up and walked to the window overlooking the courtyard, staring out as tears coursed down her face, the hard shell she'd been keeping around her heart shattered with the realization of what a fool she was. She should have known, she was a woman, 'Weren't women intuitive? Weren't we supposed to see past the false bravado and the aggravation, to see the real person? What kind of mother will I be if I can't do those things?' No wonder House didn't trust her, she always thought it was the leg, but it was so much deeper than that. The truth was she didn't want to see, it was easier to put him in his Cuddy shaped box. Now she would have to lose him for real, he deserved to be happy and to find somewhere and someone better for him.

"Are you all right Lisa?"

She laughed a bitter chuckle. "Yeah, I'm fine… apparently this is what I want anyway. I'll never have to deal with him again…" she choked on the last word and began crying again. "I don't understand why I'm so sad… I love Lucas, I want him."

'Keep telling yourself that, maybe someday it will be true.' Nolan thought.

"It's okay Lisa you have known Greg your entire adult life, of course it's hard you two are a bit enmeshed. But I think it is better this way for everyone."

"Dr. Nolan can I be alone for a few minutes please…"

"Certainly… I need to speak with James about my proposal; you can join us whenever you are ready."

"Okay… Thank you."

Nolan stood to go, shook her hand kindly, and walked out.

He could hear Cuddy begin to cry all over again, as he headed to the elevators.


	18. Chapter 18

A/N: Okay folks sorry for the wait my puter was broken in a night of wild passion…okay not really I just tripped over the charger cord and it fell off my desk…BRILLIANT!!! Anywhoooo , we're coming to the end here I think, so hang in there. PS. There may be a sequel only the fates know for sure.

Disclaimer: Blah, blah, blah….House M.D.

Please review… I am now begging…pathetic isn't it?

* * *

Nolan was beginning to doubt his plan, he had just virtually thrown away his career. However, an argument could be made that he was consulting with House's physicians. After all they actually were the physicians of record. It was thin at best, but he supposed that if he had to answer for it in some official way, claiming it was purely professional would fly.

Now he would talk with Wilson and feel him out on what he said to Cuddy.

Wilson was antsy as hell and about to wheel himself to the ICU and glue himself to House's side when Nolan came into his room.

"James, Greg is awake. I've just spent the past half hour speaking with Lisa about what's going on with him, and I had a suggestion as to how we might find a way out of this mess."

"Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to like this?"

"I'm not sure, but I think that would be a fair assessment. After determining Lisa was not going to back down on her denial concerning her feelings for Greg, I realized that the only way out of this was a fresh start. I am going to recommend to Greg that he leave PPTH."

Wilson was shocked, he had never considered such a thing. Greg had worked here for over a decade, he couldn't picture a place where he would have the same freedoms he had at this hospital.

"I don't know how that would even work. I doubt anyone else would put up with him the way Cuddy has."

Nolan felt the ire rising in his blood. "James, that attitude is in large part the reason Greg needs to leave here. No one here can give him the room to be himself, in this new healthier incarnation."

James flushed with embarrassment under Nolan's piercing gaze. He was aware that Nolan included him in that group. "I don't think he'll go for it."

"You are probably right…but what if you agreed to go with him."

Wilson was flummoxed by the question. At one time, he had been willing to leave…. because of House, but could he leave _for _House? He knew he would say yes if that was what House wanted, because all he wanted was to be with Greg.

"I think that could work. But he may have other ideas"

"I'm counting on it."

'Where the hell is Nolan?'

House was getting antsy the more he thought about what the consequences for his stupidity would be. He wanted to get it over with. His mind was going over every permutation of nasty punishments for his indiscretion, not the least of which included returning to Mayfield and losing his medical license.

'They'll probably make a big deal and make me go in an ambulance'

He saw it all, being wheeled out underneath the scornful eyes of the staff, or worse ones full of pity. He didn't want to see Wilson or Cuddy either…

'Oh God the humiliation… she'll think it's all about her…and Lucas he'll be so smug…or nice which will be torture.'

House was beginning to wish he never woke up. The thought surprised him, he always had suicide in his back up plan/arsenal for coping, but he hadn't, in a very long time _felt like dying_, at least not consciously. This was why he was a misanthrope, and an all round bastard, people= pain. Though the argument could be made that he chose to do what he did, he would say if he didn't have Wilson or Cuddy in his life he wouldn't have felt like doing it.

'All of this trying to change, created this mess… I should have left well enough alone, just do the rehab and move on… I might have been able to fake it to keep my license…'

Despite his effort to return to his bunker of cynicism and anger, he felt deep loss. He was already grieving the things he was about to lose. He found himself trembling with effort as he fought the tears trying to escape his desolate eyes, once again. Therefore, he began to focus on his physical pain as a distraction…

'Another use for the gating mechanism' he gave a grim smile at the thought.

House didn't have to wait long his leg was happy to oblige… he moved it as best as he could, but it started to spasm anyway. He grit his teeth and his breath hissed through them as the pain intensified. The heart monitor picked up the effects of the hurt he was beginning to feel.

'Damn monitor!' he didn't want anyone to come and give him meds he needed the comfort of his agony, to keep him from making another huge mistake, and keep his new _feelings _at bay.

Wilson sat thinking as Nolan went back to get Cuddy, their coming discussion weighed heavy upon him. He could leave PPTH, it would hurt but he could do it. There were always offers held out to him from other prestigious hospitals, some Cuddy knew about but several she did not. It wasn't uncommon to try to poach talent in the medical world, and Wilson was particularly attractive he was young and had great success in a specialty that was usually "a breaking even is a great and lofty goal" situation. Cancer, while being devastating in human costs is big business, and as crass as it sounds Wilson was not only a good investment, but good for business.

No, finding a job for him, would be no problem at all. House on the other hand while being the undisputed best in his field, would have terrible difficulty. First of all, few hospitals had anything resembling PPTH's diagnostics department, the closest would be Mayo, and frankly Mayo was one big diagnostics department, filled with experts in every specialty imaginable. Mayo had adopted the team approach to medicine nearly a century ago, and thinking out of the box was not considered unique there. You would think House would be perfect there, but he would wither on the vine, there would be no excitement over asking for a weird expensive test, they would give him close to carte blanche, and he would become bored…

That thought stopped him. Maybe he was putting House back into that "box". Maybe he should consider letting House decide what was good for him for once. Maybe he was still seeing him as only his addictions.

'Dammit, I'm doing it again. No wonder he feels trapped. No one will give him room to grow or change, least of all me.'

Wilson shook off his self- flagellation and returned to the problem at hand, would House leave PPTH? He answered himself with 'Why don't we ask?'

As soon as Wilson had his little epiphany Nolan and Cuddy walked in his room, Cuddy looked wrung out her eyes red from crying. He felt a tinge of anger towards her "sorrow" he couldn't help but be bitter and incredulous towards her. Cuddy hurt House just as every other woman in his life had, she abandoned him not only did she abandon him she made him change only to discard him when he did. Suddenly Wilson's anger became a fully fledged emotion that he would have great difficulty hiding.

"Lisa."

"James."

Darryl could feel James' anger like a heat seeking missile aimed in Cuddy's direction, and he needed to divert it from its target before it went critical.

"James, and Lisa let's not become distracted by our personal feelings toward each other right now. We need to remain as objective as possible in what admittedly is an emotional field filled with land mines. We must approach this as we would any other patient we would share, and consult with one another. Because essentially that is what we are doing."

Lisa knew Wilson was furious with her, who could blame him, and she was thankful Nolan was here to keep the bloodshed to a minimum.

"You make a good point Dr. Nolan, House is our patient, and we must divorce ourselves from him emotionally."

Wilson snorted derisively at her statement. 'Shouldn't be too hard for you…_bitch.'_

A look of hurt flashed across her face at Wilson's condescending vocalization.

"James, put aside your anger for now, so we can focus on Greg." Darryl said in his most clinical tone.

Wilson took a deep breath and shook his head in acquiescence. "Okay."

"Lisa I have spoken with James about what I proposed to you earlier, and he is of the opinion that leaving Princeton Plainsboro may indeed be a good solution to the seemingly insurmountable obstacles Greg faces should he remain here. He is also more than willing to move with Greg, which would make them a package deal and may overcome any objections another institution would have towards Greg's eccentricities."

Cuddy felt like she'd been punched in the gut by a prizefighter. The floor felt like it was falling out from under her feet and she stumbled a bit to the nearest chair.

Wilson though visibly enjoying her reaction was a bit surprised. "Are you okay?" he couldn't stay a jerk forever could he, after all he was James Wilson.

She nodded her head distracted by the change in his demeanor.

"It seems that we are now at the decision and negotiating phase of this process." Her voice was nearly a whisper.

"No. We are not negotiating Lisa, this isn't some ploy. Do you seriously think Darryl and I would use House's feelings for you as some sort of bargaining chip? If you do than you are farther gone than I thought." How quickly his ire returned.

Now her feathers were ruffled "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Wait a minute, calm down both of you. This is not doing anyone any good, while it is true you have things to discuss now is not the time. Can we get back to Greg please."

"Yeah, sorry."

"So what do you want me to say James?"she sounded defeated.

"Oh hell Lisa, I don't know… I guess if I were honest I would want you to beg us to stay, I would want you to tell Greg you loved him and wanted him, and we could be one big happy family…for real."

He was surprised by his honesty and he didn't feel angry anymore, just sad.

The room was silent, each person absorbing his statement. Darryl Nolan wasn't surprised by Wilson's words, after all not only was he James' friend but a well seasoned therapist. Cuddy may have been surprised on a certain level, but she recognized an echo of his sentiment within her heart.

"What are we going to do?" she whispered.

The silence was shattered by Cuddy's pager going off. She looked down without a thought, it was force of habit. The number displayed had her running out the door… "House!"


	19. Chapter 19

A/N: Have an update…Almost done now…hang in there.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own HOUSEMD

READ… REVIEW… You KNOW it's what you should DO!

House's pain had reached epic proportions; all the time in the hospital bed had his muscle spasming like a pit bull clamped down on his favorite toy. He heard his heart rate going up but didn't care, though he knew his already irritated heart would not do well at such a rapid rate. His only focus was the pain, it enveloped him, held his attention like nothing else could, and offered distraction from the uncharted waters of his emotions. Soon the pain was so intense it made his breath come in brief gasps; the sweat began trickling down his body, soaking the bed. This pain was in a completely new category, it was the worst days of his past breakthrough pain… only without the vicodin to muffle it. The monitor beside his bed was frantically screeching out a warning to anyone who would hear, and soon a nurse was in his room looking alarmed, and asking him questions in vain. The automatic BP cuff had gone off and his blood pressure was heading towards the danger zone as well. House was in trouble. He was lost in his agony, but rebuffed any attempts by the nurse to help him. "FUCK OFF!" he bellowed, sending the young woman running out of the room, tears welling in her eyes.

The charge nurse had already paged Cuddy when House's monitors started going crazy, and when his assigned nurse came running back to the station tears streaming, she'd had enough and headed towards House's room, quite pissed. Before she reached the room ,the frightening sound of a flat line echoed into the hall.

"Shit! Call a code and get a crash cart in here!" She yelled.

Lisa Cuddy walked onto the floor from the elevator in time to hear those words. Her heels barely touching the ground she was down the hall to House's room in a matter of seconds. Dr. Nolan was close behind her, he'd taken the stairs. As they walked in, they heard the nurse exclaim "You bastard!"

House was pale and sweat poured off him, obviously in pain but very much still alive. Lisa went from relief to anger when she realized he hadn't flat lined but simply disconnected the leads to the heart monitor.

"What the hell are you doing House? You scared the crap out of everyone!"

House choked out a reply "Damn thing wouldn't shut up…"

The nurse had reattached the leads and the truth was there lit up in glowing green, House was still in trouble, his heart rate was too high and worse the rhythm was becoming erratic.

Nolan had seen enough "He's in pain you have to do something or he's going to go into v-fib."

Cuddy nodded and yelled to the nurse making her getaway "Get me ten milligrams IV morphine, and five of IV valium STAT!"

"Hang in there Greg relief is coming. Try to slow down your breathing…"

"Shut the fuck up Nolan, and I don't want any fucking morphine Cuddy" his voice a whispering menace.

"Well too bad you're getting it! I don't want you having another heart attack!"

"Will you just leave me alone…" this time his tone was defeated.

"Greg I'm sorry we can't do that and you know it. You need this pain medication and the valium will help with the muscle spasm."

"Whatever…just quit talking, my head is killing me."

The nurse ran in and handed Cuddy two filled syringes, she walked over and pushed the valium first hoping it would bring his heart rate down some. The morphine would take longer to administer, but she could see House was already beginning to calm down, as she slowly pushed the plunger down on the morphine filled syringe.

House looked up to see the big bear of a man looking on with concern "Just go away, I don't want you here Nolan."

"I'm not going anywhere so you might as well get used to it."

The sweet rush of relief ironed out House's features the grimace of torment slowly erased from his face. He heard himself sigh… 'Stupid body always betraying me…'

"Now that's more like it" Cuddy stated, her own relief evident.

"When you feel better we are going to have a talk…but for now just rest." Cuddy patted his arm and walked out of the room passing a slightly winded wheelchair bound Wilson on the way. Nolan and House could hear her admonish him "You're just as bad as he is! You better not open those damn sutures again!"

Wilson wheeled into the room and his eyes locked with House's. "Pain?"

"Yeah, what are you doing here anyway? What did she mean by "…open those damn sutures _again? _"

"Oh it was nothing. Just a little excitement... caused me to tear them open …"

Guilt flashed across House's face.

Seeing House's reaction Wilson quickly added "But it was a good thing really ... they caught the DIC in time because of it. So… no harm no foul."

"YOU HAD DIC!!!" House's throat constricted with fear, and he felt his stomach twist into knots.

Nolan until this point had remained quiet letting the friends talk, but House's distress triggered his response. "Greg… James is fine, he's recovering well and he will be leaving the hospital soon, so don't get yourself riled up."

House looked at him like he was crazy "He's not fine! He's missing a chunk of his liver and almost bled to death!… did you seriously just say "riled up"?"

Wilson and Nolan both smiled, that sounded more like the House they were used to.

"Dammit Cuddy… Why'd you have to give me so much morphine…" his eyes were at half mast.

"Shhh House it's okay, go to sleep…I'll be here when you wake up." Wilson whispered.

"No… go back to bed… idiot" and he was out.

Nolan looked at Wilson suddenly feeling quite tired himself. "He's right James let's get you back to your room, he's going to sleep for awhile."

"Yeah… Okay."

It had been an exhausting day and Nolan was ready to head back to his hotel room for some much needed rest. "Listen James I am beat, so after we get you settled I'm heading out to get some sleep. You can go visit him later if you want, but please take it easy. I want you to be able to get out of here. By the way any word on when?"

"Maybe tomorrow afternoon, but the morning after, is more likely."

"Good. Hopefully we will have some things resolved regarding Greg's situation by then."

"I sure hope so …" his voice tired.

As he helped Wilson get into his bed Nolan said, "Call me if you need anything, I'll be in my hotel room, with my cell on." They both knew he meant call if there were any problems with House.

"Sure, get some rest… I think we're both going to need it."

Nolan nodded in agreement,"Good night James."

"Night Darryl."


	20. Chapter 20

A/N: I humbly ask for your forgiveness though I know I do not deserve mercy.

Disclaimer: Me no own HOUSE

Read . Review. Whatever.

* * *

House woke up to a darkened room; it was the middle of the night. 'Great …well I'm up now.' For the first time in days, he felt pretty good and he was stuck in the hospital. He had the urge to sneak out and hide somewhere, to flee the coming consequences for his weakness and stupidity. But, as good as he was feeling he knew he couldn't manage "The Great Escape" with any success. He did however need to walk around to keep his leg from seizing up again. He sat up and pulled his legs around, searching for his cane. _Damn. Cuddy must have taken it._ No matter he would just hold onto the bedrails. He let his left leg down to the cold floor bracing himself for the coming agony of his right foot touching down. Slowly he slid his right hip and leg down, his teeth clenched in anticipation. First his toes and then the rest of his foot it was okay at first but as his heel touched down a shot of pain went through his thigh. _Shit, I was hoping the morphine would knock it back._ He hissed audibly and heard the heart monitor jump into a higher cadence, reminding him he would need to take the leads off again if he wanted to walk. He adjusted his weight to minimize the contact of his right foot, removed the leads and began tentatively walking around the bed.

Wilson woke up from a nightmare, concerning House and a coffin. He was trembling from it. He regained his composure but not his sleep. He lay there thinking about what the next day would hold. They were planning on talking with House about his options, Wilson was afraid of the way House would react to the confrontation. He knew that Greg would be mad, but he hoped he could see the reasons for their discussion of him behind his back. Though knowing Greg as he did he wasn't sure what he would do House was too unpredictable even for him at times.

House's hands trembled as he grasped the rails for his third time around the bed, sweat beaded on his brow and began trickling down his chest. He was done, he pushed the rail down and collapsed on the bed. His leg may have needed the walk but his heart had other plans, he could feel it thudding in his head, a dull ache began deep within his chest. _Shit, now I've done it. _ He attempted to breathe his way through it and pulled the cannula back under his nose. It seemed to help and the ache began to fade in intensity. Just as he was grabbing the monitor leads to put them back on his nurse walked in to do vitals. She took one look at him and frowned.

"Doctor House what the hell have you been doing?"

"Dreaming of you Previn." He waggled his brows suggestively.

"Yeah right. Do I have to call Dr. Cuddy or put you in restraints?"

She efficiently replaced the leads and the pulse oximeter, and waited for the results. "Damnit House! Look at your sats, and your heart rate is all over the place."

He looked at her sheepishly and shrugged.

"Well no more cannula you'll have to go back on the mask and I am turning your O2 up to 6liters. If your rhythm doesn't straighten out soon I 'll have to call cardiology."

He nodded, the discomfort in his chest was returning and he didn't want to speak and give it away.

But, he began to be concerned and was compelled to . "Uhhh Previn, you better get an ECG. Now."

She saw the look in his eyes and called for assistance; she pulled the machine over and hooked him up. The young nurse trainee came running in. "Lorelei, I need you to have Nancy page the on call cardiologist and bring the crash cart here. Quickly."

"It's not that bad Brenda, really."

She swallowed hard, House never called her by her first name. It was bad. "Don't you freaking die on me Gregory House! Lisa would never forgive me." She left out the professional titles too, everyone knew she and Cuddy were best friends.

He managed a nod and closed his eyes concentrating on his breathing and trying to remain calm. It seemed to be working. The pain was easing and his heart quit fluttering around his chest like an intoxicated butterfly.

She watched him and the monitor; she pulled the strip from the ECG machine and didn't like what she saw. _Where the hell is that cardio guy?_

House kept focusing on his breathing, he found himself relaxing and the outside world was fading away. He was falling asleep.

Previn sighed in relief as she saw House begin to fall asleep. But the monitor wasn't all that encouraging, he still had problems. Just then the cardiology fellow came in rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

"What's going on?" She looked at the patient and realized who it was. _Oh crap. I better not screw anything up._

"Shhh," Previn motioned her finger over her lips.

The young woman nodded and motioned for Previn to come into the hall.

"The patient apparently removed his monitor leads and began walking around the room or something that exerted him. I came in to do vitals and found him sweating and his pulse ox down in the low eighties. I replaced the cannula with the mask and turned his O2 up to six liters, I could see on the monitor his heart rate was erratic, and he looked to be in discomfort. It was then that I had you paged and then did and ECG per his request." She handed the woman the strip and waited while she read it.

"How is he now?" The results were not good but not critical yet.

"He seems to be doing a better and has fallen back to sleep. What do you want me to do?"

She could see the veteran nurse watching her, waiting for her to decide the next course of action. She also knew the woman knew exactly what she should do, but would not overstep her bounds. For a moment she wavered and almost asked the nurse what she thought. Then a solution popped into her head.

"Who's his physician of record?"

_Oh great she's gonna chicken out. _" I believe it's Dr. Wilson, but he's indisposed. Dr. Cuddy is the one who admitted him. Would you like me to call her?"

The blond hesitated she knew Previn was baiting her, challenging her to make a decision on her own. Nevertheless, she didn't take the opportunity. "Yes I want you to call Dr. Cuddy."

"Yes, Doctor."_Well hell Lisa. I was hoping you'd get a good night's sleep, Lord knows you need it._

Brenda looked at the baby-doc disapprovingly and said, "You won't mind staying with him while I go make that call will you?" It wasn't really a question and her steely eyed glare dared the girl to say no.

"Certainly." She replied like it was her idea and not like she was being threatened by the Hospitals most senior nurse.

Lisa Cuddy was dreaming. It was a lovely dream, where she was happy and laughing. Rachel was there and they were on a picnic next to a beautiful lake, she felt so peaceful and content. Arms wrapped around her waist as she leaned back into a decidedly masculine frame. Everything felt so perfect, so right. She felt him kiss the top of her head and squeeze her a little more tightly, as if to reassure him she was still there. Lisa turned her head to kiss him back and was shocked to find the impossibly blue eyes of Greg House looking at her. Before she could respond she felt his lips on hers at first tender and sweet and then deep and passionate, full of fire and a hint of desperation. She didn't understand but she sure didn't want it to end.

Just as her dream began to grow more erotic something began to tear her attention away. A sound incessantly ringing in her ear, it woke her. With a mixture of fear and a sigh she answered the phone.

"Lisa? Hey it's me Brenda. I am sorry to bother you but…"

"What's wrong? Is he all right?" Cuddy couldn't hide the panic in her voice and it woke Lucas.

"Well he seems a bit better but, no he's not all right."

Cuddy's heart sank to somewhere south and she forgot to breathe. Lucas reached over and shook her gently. "Lise? Are you okay?"

She nodded, and said to Brenda "I'm on my way." Before she hung up she was already throwing her jeans on and a Michigan sweatshirt.

"Lucas, I've got to get to the hospital. Please watch Rachel for me until Julie gets here."

Lucas knew damn well who was causing her anxiety he tried to push his jealousy down he swallowed hard with effort and said, "Sure, no problem."

Cuddy was almost out the door before his response, and less than ten minutes later she pulled into her spot at the hospital.


	21. Chapter 21

A/N: We are almost done on our journey. Just a few more chapters and I promise to quit whumping the hell out of everyone.

Disclaimer: I do Not own HOUSE M.D. If I did, you can bet your ass we would have a new episode every week!

Please help my subterranean self-esteem and review.

* * *

Cuddy waited until she saw Nolan walk past her office before she went to get James. House had been sleeping when she checked on him. His heart seemed to have calmed down, and they would have cardiology see him in a few hours. Shaken by her dream, and unsettled by what it said about _her _heart, she reminded herself it was too late now. Cuddy made her choice and she was happy with it.

James had been awake at least an hour. His mind going round in circles about what House would do when confronted by the three of them. He was growing impatient and began getting out of his bed by himself, when Cuddy walked in. She gave him an exasperated sigh and a disapproving glare as she rushed to help him.

With a raised eyebrow, James took in Lisa's clothes, "Are you sure you should be wearing that?"

Cuddy blushed when she realized she was wearing her Michigan sweatshirt. The one she stole from House twenty years ago. It was faded and soft, it was her comfort clothes she wore it whenever she was at home. What she didn't realize was that House knew she did, and had told Wilson.

"I was in a hurry."

"Why? What's wrong?" James felt his throat tighten.

"It's alright I checked on him. Brenda called me because the idiot had been up walking trying to get his leg to quit spasming and his heart went a little crazy."

"What? Went a little crazy what the hell does that mean Lisa?"

"Look James, he's okay he calmed down and went to sleep. Brenda called cardiology and they are seeing him today. It will be alright."

"Yeah sure, everything is just peachy."Wilson growled.

Cuddy didn't know how to reply to that. The fact is Wilson sarcasm spoke what was in her heart too. This whole thing sucked.

"Let's go, Nolan is already here." She wheeled Wilson out into the hall and he pulled the chair out of her hands by rolling it himself. _He's never going to forgive me._

* * *

He was floating in space…no it was water, warm, inviting water. The sky

above him was a bright baby blue and cloudless. He could see the tops of live oaks

hanging over what must be a river, their moss covered limbs waving forlornly in the

gentle breeze. The sound of birds and the moving water were all he could hear. It was a

perfect moment, filled with peace, contentment, and perhaps a little joy. The second

he realized how good this felt, how right everything was, he began to panic and the scene changed, the

clouds began rolling in for what promised to be a spectacular storm and he heard the ominous sound of

something large sliding into the water from the bank.

What had been a beautiful paradise was becoming a nightmare, the sound he knew was a gator, the storm reached its claws of lightening across the sky and threatened to strike him. The thunder rumbled a warning of the deluge to come.

He looked for a way out of the river, out of the canoe he was in; there was only the widening river and the whorls that showed it picking up speed. Further up, the river began to wind itself around a sandy bank, but the current was so strong every pull of his paddle felt futile. As the water brought him rushing by the gap, and the canoe was passing the small beach, he saw him. He saw Wilson; the man House considered his best, if only, friend stood watching from the safety of the shore, and shook his head in disapproval. House's eyes begged Wilson to help him, to stop the canoe from slipping past the safety of the land.

Nevertheless, Wilson only crossed his arms in stern refusal, and yelled to him,

"Get yourself out of this mess, I'm through."

House woke with a start, his brow damp with sweat. Why was he so damn scared? The realization of what the dream meant washed over him. He had been in a good place and he ruined it by not paying attention, by having no anchor, and letting the river control him. He left his fate to the capricious nature of the water, leaving his oars in the boat. He'd lost control and now he had none, and Wilson couldn't… or wouldn't save him this time.

House lay panting in the shadowy light of the morning, waiting for what would be the first of many vitals checks. He waited because he was too proud to call for help and even this reminded him of his folly. He closed his eyes trying to calm himself, to ease his mind but it was pointless, he was screwed and there was no way around that fact.

Nolan grabbed his free coffee from the Hotel's continental breakfast and hurried to his car. He wanted to be at the hospital before Greg woke up. This was the day when they would make decisions and things would be set in motion for Greg's future.

Darryl Nolan had grown to care deeply about this tortured, brilliant, man, and the psychiatrist's heart ached at what the ramifications of his patient's monumental mistake would be. Arriving just before the shift change, it took him awhile to find a parking spot. But, by the time Nolan reached House's room, he was already awake. The look on Greg's face was troubling, he seemed lost.

Nolan walked in and said a quiet hello checking House's vitals out of the corner of his eye.

"Well, look it's the hangman come to mete out my punishment." House's sarcasm was in full bloom.

Nolan sighed, "Greg I am not your executioner, I am your doctor and hopefully your friend. I am here to help decide what the best course of action is going to be for you."

"Yeah, right."

Just then, Wilson came squeaking into the room in his wheel chair, followed by Cuddy.

"Oh good the whole tribunal is here. So you guys gonna' send me off to Gitmo?"

Cuddy winced then turned, shut the door, and drew the blinds.

House's mouth dried up in fear. This was really happening, he wasn't ready. Nolan looked from House to the monitors and concern registered in his eyes.

"Greg, calm down your heart can't take it."

House laughed _How right you are Nolan. _

Wilson had yet to say anything he grabbed the back of his neck in discomfort.

Cuddy sat down, crossed her legs, and opened her legal pad. House could now see what she wore, and it caused a pang of misery. Nevertheless, he kept his face a mask of indifference. But his heart betrayed him by beating faster and flip flopping around.

"House, please try to calm down. Your heart needs a chance to get better."

_You have no idea Lisa._ "That assumes I care."

"What? What do you mean you don't care?" Wilson yanked on the wheels and was as close to House's bed as possible.

House looked at him and the dream was flashing into his mind. He was thrown by it and couldn't answer Wilson's frustrated query. All he could manage was a half-hearted shrug.

Wilson lost it. "Damn you Greg! You better pull your head out of your ass and realize we _care!_"

"Oh I'm _sure _you do. That doesn't matter to me, I'm the one who has to live this life not you. No one

ever cares about what I want. You all walk around making assumptions and decisions for me, treating

me like a child…like a-an _invalid_! I am a grown man and I am sick of all your interference. Nolan just tell

me what you plan to do, so I can get the hell out of this place!"

Cuddy's eyes were brimming with tears, a mixture of sorrow and anger. "Shut up House! Shut up and listen, for once!"

Nolan saw he needed to calm all of them down and quickly. The numbers on Greg's monitors were becoming troublesome and Wilson's face reddened in anger. This wasn't how it needed to go, there was no time for recriminations.

"_All_ of you _shut up_!"

The trio turned to look at Nolan, surprised by the anger and frustration in the voice of the normally even-tempered man. They got the message and went quiet; all they could hear was the adrenalin induced heavy breathing coming from everyone.

"That's better. Now, I am going to begin talking and no one is to respond unless it is to a direct question. Understood?"

He felt like he was talking to his teenage children, in many ways he was. Lucky for the three doctors they hadn't experienced his true wrath. They did the smart thing and nodded in agreement.

"Okay, I am going to be very honest and forthright, and probably not in the least bit clinical, so be prepared… This situation is completely FUBAR."

House snickered. James and Cuddy were shocked.

"Laughing counts as responding Greg," Nolan glared at him.

House knew he better shut up; he didn't like the look in Nola's eye. He nodded and kept silent.

"As I was saying we find ourselves in a very difficult situation, both for reasons personal and professional. The fact is that Greg tried to kill himself, and did it while violating the terms of his conditional employment and medical license."

House wanted to protest, to deny the shameful thing Nolan was boldly declaring, but saw Cuddy and Wilson's grim faces and kept silent.

Nolan knew that House was struggling to hold his tongue so he kept talking, leaving no space for comment from any of them.

"Though this is a difficult thing to overcome I think we can at the least save his license, I think with some more treatment the board may be convinced to let him keep practicing medicine. What that means is Greg will have to come back to inpatient treatment. Now as to what happens after he is stable enough to leave Mayfield… that _is_ up for discussion. I am going to give my recommendation and let you three talk about it. I will remain here as a referee if need be, and to help in any way that I can. Does that sound like something you can do without devolving into petulant, cranky children?"

_Wow, he is pissed. I got to hand it to him he's always surprising me._

"Yeah, we can do that. So what is your _recommendation_?" House was back to his self-protective acerbic tone.

"My recommendation is upon leaving Mayfield, that Greg and James seek employment elsewhere, and perhaps move away from here altogether."

Cuddy knew what he was going to say and it still felt like a punch in the gut. Wilson felt oddly excited and happy by the prospect. House just sat there giving nothing away.

Nolan felt the tugging and pulling of emotions in the room and said, "Why don't you tell us what you think James."

Wilson felt his cheeks flush with embarrassment, "Uhh sure."

He couldn't look at House and say this, it was too emasculating.

"I thought you were dead, and then I nearly died, literally and figuratively. I know now, that I can't… no… I don't want to live without you. I have been so stupid and blind, and a-afraid. I—I'm sorry."

His head fell and there were tears falling onto his lap. Wilson didn't want to look at House's face. Nolan handed him a tissue so he could continue.

"I don't know what this thing is between us, but it's a hell of a lot more than friendship to me. You are my family Greg, not my consolation prize. I choose you over money, over prestige and common sense. Wherever you go, I'm going with you." He swallowed and looked up at House, terrified by what he would see.

* * *

Cuddy sat listening to Wilson and felt even more bereft than before. She had come to the realization that she was losing so much more than her friends, she _was _losing _her _family too. What she couldn't take was that she had been the architect of its destruction.

No one said anything, and House's face was unreadable. The pause became more awkward by the minute, until they heard him gasp and saw the change in the monitor.

Then, nothing else mattered… because House was having another heart attack.


	22. Chapter 22

A/N: Okay I am sorry for taking so long and leaving you all hanging. I promise not to do that anymore.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own HOUSE MD.

Please read and review… everything is not as it seems.

* * *

Wilson felt the wheelchair roll across the room as someone on the code team pushed him out of the way. Everything slowed down and he found his mind saw everything that was happening with a hard clarity. Somewhere inside him were emotions about the scene before him, but now he could only access his logical mind, his physicians brain, and his oncologist's perspective. As the team prepared to shock House one more time, he heard himself yell.

"Stop it! Damn it! Leave him alone… He's tired of all of this. For the love of God, hasn't he suffered enough? Let him go…_Please_, just let him go."

The activity slowed and everyone in the room looked at Wilson who was now sobbing. The team exchanged looks with one another and then with Cuddy, who had tears streaming down her face. The doctor next to her was pushing a syringe of Atropine into House's IV; the brokenhearted woman reached over and touched the young man's arm shaking her head no.

"Call it,"their boss whispered and walked out of the room.

* * *

Brenda didn't care what Lisa said, she wasn't going to stop compressions until the last second. She stared at the babydoc and dared him to call the TOD. She wasn't about to let Greg House die on her watch. Teary eyed and with grim determination she kept pumping on House's chest, ignoring the cracking sound of breaking ribs. The nurse to the left of her kept squeezing the Ambu bag. The nurse practitioner on the other side of the bed pushed the boy physician out of her way and finished putting the atropine in.

It was a nurse's revolt. The young doctor was out gunned and he knew it. Though it may cause Dr. Cuddy to fire him, if he ratted out these nurses his life would be made a living hell. It was the pink scrub mafia, and they have been known to chase off doctors with their methods and even go so far as to have nurses at the next hospital continue the punishment. He raised his hands in surrender and walked away.

* * *

Cuddy stumbled down the hallway her mascara running down her cheeks like Frankenfurter* it didn't take long for the entire hospital to know the cause of Dr. Cuddy's raccoon eyes, and soon there were dozens more pairs roaming the halls crying softly. There was a palpable pall in the air, and an eerie silence. PPTH was in mourning.

When Lisa arrived at her office, she opened the door, closed the blinds and stood there, bombarded by memories. She felt her legs shaking and walked to the couch and laid down, she had another memory of House sleeping on her couch, she turned her body away from the room and hid in the shadow created by the arm of the couch, the tears still coming. Her throat was tight with her effort to keep from sobbing and wailing.

_I can do this. I can survive him dying. I am a mother and run this hospital, I don't have the luxury of falling apart._

For a moment, she felt stronger but as she took a deep breath, she inhaled his scent hidden in the fabric of the couch.

_I'll never smell him again… _

That broke her resolve and she keened, wailed, and sobbed as she finally realized her fatal error. She pushed the love of her life away, and now he was gone… _forever_.

* * *

The drama in the ICU continued while Darryl tried to console James. He was having trouble consoling himself. His heart was breaking too. Gregory House left his imprint on the psychiatrist's soul, their relationship went beyond doctor/patient, and exceeded the boundaries of professionalism. The connection between House and Nolan was spiritual. Greg House came into Darryl Nolan's life when he had started to give up, when his calling became a job. But, House came in and shook things up, shook him up. The sorrow and passion of the extraordinary man touched him deeply. He yearned to help House to release his burden, to heal the wounds of his heart. House's pain was killing him before he came to Mayfield, you could say his _heart_ was killing him, and it was. Unfortunately, the capricious muscle got the chance to finish House off, and took it.

As Darryl wrapped his arms around James' shoulders, their tears mingled, and their grief converged.

"Oh God Darryl, I don't know if I can take this. I can't live without him."

"Shhh James don't worry about tomorrow, let's just get through today and we'll figure it out together." The big man's voice was thick with emotion.

* * *

Across the room from the anguished Wilson and Nolan, the nurse uprising was still in progress. All of this drama had been packed into thirty minutes, from the start of the code until now. A half an hour was all it took for everyone's lives to change irrevocably. By now even the staunch and steadfast nurses were beginning to wane in their certainty as their bodies began to tire from the arduous task of CPR.

It was fortunate Wilson didn't notice what the nurses were doing. He would have been incensed, but five minutes later fifteen minutes after they were told to stop the code, Brenda looked at the nurse practitioner, and at Nolan, they both nodded their heads yes, it was time and they all knew it.

* * *

House remembered the crushing pain of his heart attack, his and the fading away of sensation. He recalled looking down on the sad tableau beneath him, and feeling love and compassion for all of the people trying to save that husk of a body, trying to save him. He felt light, he was surrounded by light, it was peace and contentment, something he thought he would never experience. Memories flickered past his minds' eye, good ones and bad ones, but they gave him no pain only a feeling of being wholly himself and wholly accepting the truths held within. He was complete, he was finished, he was satisfied, and ready to rest.

* * *

*Frankenfurter= The main character from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. The reference is too a scene where the flamboyant Dr. Frankenfurter has copious amounts of mascara running down his face.


	23. Chapter 23

A/N: Here's an update. Amber may seem a little OC but she's in Heaven for God's sake, she's allowed to be nice. Besides, she's like House tenderhearted beneath all the prickles.

Disclaimer: I do Not PWN House MD ( Oh lol I totally type o'd that!)

Please review.

* * *

Brenda vowed to give House one more jolt at the highest setting, knowing that this was it. They would quit and call the TOD and Gregory House glorious, limping, bastard that he was, would be gone.

The rebel nurses were solemn, and errant tears were falling from the eyes of these ballsy women, all of them experienced and battle tested, but somehow losing House seemed a tragedy of proportions too large to fathom. How many times had this brilliant, broken man evaded death, surviving things mere mortals never could? It felt with each moment closer to the inevitable that an era was passing, that the world was changing in some important, but intangible way.

* * *

House's white warm heaven was shattered by a yanking sensation as he was jerked back down to his body. He found himself back on that damnable bus joined by Kutner, Amber, and Goddamn John House.

"Why the hell am I here? Why won't you assholes leave me alone?"

"Greg, now don't be so testy." Amber chided condescendingly.

"We have to tell you something, House."

He turned and looked at his father. "What the fuck are _you _doing here?"

"All in good time son listen to what they have to say."

House was tired and sat down on the back bench of the bus and sighed.

"What is it? I just want to get out of here. Out of that broken piece of shit body. Why can't you just let me go? Please."

Amber was beside him, her hand warm on his leg her eyes full of compassion. House always knew Amber had a soft side.

"Greg, I know you are in pain, psychic and physical but it's not your time. If you leave now, James will blame himself, and he will die without achieving his life's work. You are key to his discovery, without you he will never find his destiny."

"Are you fucking with me? _Find his destiny_? Seriously?"

Amber sighed and said to Kutner, "Your turn Lawrence."

"Do you know why I killed myself House?"

"No damn you I don't, would you care to enlighten me?"

"Of all the people I thought you would figure it out."

"So sue me. It wasn't exactly my most shining moment. At the time, I was too busy going nuts. Of course you offing yourself didn't help matters."

Kutner smiled, "Would you say it had an adverse effect on your—sanity?"

" Does dying make you stupid? Isn't that what I just said? Maybe it's because you blew all your brain cells out the back of your head?"

Kutner smiled again, "Yes, well as hard as my suicide was on you, what do you think Wilson will go through if you just give up and die on him?"

"Okay Captain Obvious I believe CTB already touched on that with her fulfill his destiny speech."

"Yes, well she didn't come right out and say it, but I will Wilson will kill himself if you die."

House felt like he was going to puke. _How can I be nauseous in my dream sequence or wherever this is?_

"Oh because, this is real Greg and you can feel everything you might on earth. It's that way so you can make a more shall we say—informed decision."

"Would you please stay the hell out of my head? Sheesh a man can't even have an interior monologue to himself."

"Do you still want to know?"

"Yeah, I really would like to know why you did it."

"Lawrence, I'm not sure you should."

"No reason. I was depressed, pure physiological depression. There was no reason other than my brain was lacking in some necessary neurotransmitters. That and loneliness. Pretty stupid isn't it? A reasonably intelligent young doctor couldn't diagnose himself, and the one man who might have caught was distracted by his own mental illness. Don't you love the irony?"

"I feel _so_ much better. _Thanks._"

"Greg, you have no idea how important you are. You are the touchstone for many people's happiness and successes. Your death will cause many people to suffer, not just your friends and colleagues but all of the patients they may have had or cured because of you."

"Yeah blah blah blah. What is this the ghetto version of it's a Wonderful life?"

"Enough! I have had enough of your self -centered whiny bitching! Now shut the hell up and listen for once!"

House paled at the sound of his father's booming baritone voice. It was the tone he'd heard his entire childhood and he reacted instinctively. He obeyed.

"That's more like it. Please go on Dr. Volakis."

"Thank you Colonel House. An example of your death changing people's lives will be that Dr. Nolan will retire. After the death of you, his father and the near crippling of Freedom Master, the poor man couldn't take it anymore. Because of his early retirement he will start the teen program that you actually inspired him to, and several talented and young people will either die or never reach their potential."

"How?"

"How what?"

"How did I inspire him to start a program for teens?"

"Do you remember saying to him something about it taking fifty years to get that messed up, and you were concerned it would take fifty years to make things right?"

"Yes."

"Well that planted a seed, and the more you talked together and you told him of all these defining moments in your life, the ones that seemed to lead you down the path to being a broken and misanthropic addict, occurred in your childhood. No big revelation, this is a well-established fact in the field of psychology. What it did though, was made him realize he could help kids to stop on that path of destruction, before they reached where you were. In fact eventually, you would have helped him counsel those kids and your direct influences would have helped to create several doctors and a successful Jazz pianist.

You don't realize it but Darryl Nolan holds you dear to his heart, you make people love you Greg. It's hard as hell on them at times loving you, but they do. They really love you."

House just sat there, too tired to comment. Her words were unbelievable to him, and yet her voice rang with the truth. He never believed people loved him, and he always ruined his relationships and hurt the people he said he loved. God he was fucked up.

"Yeah House you are fucked up but you don't have to be," Kutner said, as he looked at John House knowingly.

"That's why you need to go back Greg people need you, people love you, there are people who's very lives and happiness depend on you being in the world. I know that is a huge responsibility, a burden if you will. And _that _is why we cannot force you to go back, it must be fully your choice."

"Will it ever get better?"

"No, your leg will hurt you until the day you die. I'm sorry there's nothing we can do about that." She looked genuinely sad for him.

"Will it get worse?"

"Th—"

"Wait! Never mind, I don't want to know."

House felt an odd tugging in the center of his chest. _Hunh, wonder what that is?_

"House you have to decide now, or the choice will be taken from you."

"What about him?" He pointed his head toward his father.

"He is here to tell you some things, he will do that whatever you choose."

_I could go back to that floaty peaceful place, where I have no pain, or I can go back to the pain of my leg, and the pain of being me. All because I am somehow important to humanity… I'm not so sure I care about humanity all that much. But, I do care about Wilson and Nolan too… I guess. A few others too, I suppose…_

"What the hell, I've made it this far it seems a shame to give up now."

Amber beamed at him.

"You're going to hug me aren't you?"

She threw her arms around him. "I am so proud of you! See Lawrence I told you he would say yes!"

"She did you know." Kutner smiled and when Amber moved he looked like he was going to hug House too, but he just stuck out his hand.

House looked at Kutner's hand grabbed it and pulled him in for a hug. There were tears glistening in House's eyes as suddenly he let himself feel some of the grief he held back when _Lawrence_ killed himself. The two broke their hug in that stuttered awkward way men have, and Lawrence gave House a mischievous grin.

"What?"

He just kept grinning.

"If you tell anybody I hugged you, I'll deny it!"

"Baby steps I guess." Kutner quipped.

"It's time for us to go Greg, be happy and take care of James for me otherwise I'll come back and haunt you." The wicked gleam in her eye was pure earthly Amber, and House paled visibly in fear of her returning.

Kutner and she both laughed at House's distress.

The duo began to fade, they were leaving.

"She's kidding House." Kutner reassured the now panicked House/

House relaxed a little.

Then Amber became corporeal again and said coldly, "No I'm not." Then she was gone.

"Sweet Jesus." It was a prayer not an epithet, House was shaking. He watched his father as he tried to calm down.

_I wonder what he has to say? Might as well get it over with…_

"Are you going to sit there all damn day hemming and hawing with yourself? Or are you going to man up and talk to me?"

* * *

Wilson was about to come over and beat Brenda up because she wouldn't stop. He glared at her from his wheelchair as Darryl restrained him from throttling the mutinous nurses. She looked at him right before she depressed the paddles and said, "It's the last time James I promise."

The paddles sent the life-giving jolt through his body one last time, and the world paused to see if House would choose to live.


	24. Chapter 24

A/N: Here's a new chapter. We are almost ready to end this crazy ride. Thanks for hangin' in there with me.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own HOUSE MD

Tell me what you think.

* * *

The truth was House sort of wanted to hear what his father had to say. So while John House being on his metaphysical bus was at first disturbing, it was also intriguing.

House stared with his usual intensity waiting for John House to speak. His father was not intimidated after all, he's the man who created that stare, perfected it.

House sat back and sighed. "Are you going to talk? I'm kind of tired and I feel like I need to be getting back soon."

A look of mild surprise flashed across the elder House's face. "You really aren't going to give up?"

"No, I've come this far I might as well play this thing out. Besides as boring as it sounds I feel like I owe it to Wilson."

John felt a flush of pride. "I never figured you for the self sacrificing type."

"Yeah well, we don't really know each other do we."

The barb hit its mark, and John flinched.

"I guess I rubbed off you more than I thought."

The statement hung in the air full of meaning.

John looked at his hands, working up to whatever it was he wanted to say.

House was working up to hearing it.

* * *

As Brenda placed the paddles, back onto Gregory House's burned and battered chest she said a little prayer, for some reason this time felt right, this time would be the one.

"Clear!" House's body arced upward with the jolt of electricity.

The moment between the buzz thunk of the paddles and the thud of House's body returning to the bed, was full of hope and promise. Everything was riding on this tiny fraction of time. At first, the ominous flat line remained, and everyone hung their heads in sorrow, Wilson's hung in anger and shame. None of them saw when the line jumped into a weak disturbance, and they didn't notice when the little rounded hills on the monitor's line started multiplying, started becoming more frequent and sharper.

The nurse's began cleaning up the mess half an hour of trying to save someone's life made. There were syringes, drug vials, lines, gloves, and all sorts of tubing lying on top of the now presumed dead body of House.

Wilson and Darryl Nolan, held on to one another Wilson to contain his rage, Nolan his grief and sense of failure. The nurses averted their eyes not wanting to intrude, but Brenda walked over and squatted on her heels so she could see Wilson's face.

"James, I am so sorry. I had to try, I couldn't let him go. I wasn't ready to see him as unable to stave off certain death yet again. I hope you can forgive me."

Wilson didn't want to forgive her. He wanted to hate her. Nevertheless, as he looked into her earnest face, he felt his anger dissipate.

"Brenda, I will be able to forgive you but right now I'm too angry."

She rose to her feet and shook her head. "Thank you. Now we are going to leave you alone so you can have a moment with him."

"Okay."

"Come on ladies you can come back later." Brenda called and the rest of the nurses stopped cleaning up and walked silently out of the room.

"I can't believe it's really happening. I never thought he would actually die. I mean I was always terrified of it happening but somehow I never really believed it was possible. And now… I have nothing, I just feel empty. The one person I have ever loved completely is dead and I don't feel a damn thing, except a little anger at some nurses who tried to save him."

"That's okay James; grief has its own time table, unique to each person. Don't get wrapped up in how you _don't_ feel just concentrate on what you _do_."

"Yeah you're right. Can I have a minute?"

"Certainly, I'll come in myself when you are ready, so I can have a moment with Greg as well."

Nolan walked out and left James sitting in his wheelchair still across the room from House's body. He suddenly felt a paralyzing fear grip him, holding him to the spot. It was as if he stayed where he was, then House wasn't really dead. From here he couldn't touch him and feel the slack cool skin of his hands, couldn't see his chest stilled. Wouldn't have to think about how he would never see House's impossibly blue eyes again. He sat and listened to his own breathing for awhile.

Finally, Wilson raised his head to face the death of his friend, and started to roll over to the bed when a movement caught his eye. The nurse's in their haste had forgotten to turn the monitor off. It took a moment for Wilson's grief addled mind to process what the movement was, but when it came to him he was on his feet and at House's side.

"Nolan! Get somebody in here NOW! He's not dead!"

Out in the hall someone said "Oh my God!" and the sound of Croc clad feet came squeaking into the room.

"Get the oxygen on him, not sure if we need the vent or not."

"Call cardiology and page Dr. Cuddy!"

Brenda looked fondly down at House and said, "Guess you were going for the dramatic! I'm glad you're back House, try to stick around for awhile."

James' face nearly split from the grin he now wore, he shared it with Nolan, but Nolan only had a soft sad smile in return.

"What? What's wrong Darryl?"

"Nothing, it's just that while I was sad for my loss, part of me was happy he wasn't in pain anymore. Now he has all these cardiac issues on top of everything else—"

Wilson thought about the truth in what Nolan was saying but found it didn't dampen his spirits at all. Maybe it was selfish but he didn't care, he had a second chance with House and he wasn't going to screw it up.

* * *

John cleared his throat and began in his gravelly voice to talk to House.

"Greg, I … I really fucked things up didn't I?"

House had no idea how to answer that, both the honest admission and the choice of words threw him. He just nodded apprehensively.

"I wanted to be a good father to you, but the truth is I had no fucking clue as to how I would do that. I don't want to diminish the… _wrongness _of what I did, but the fact is my father did the same and more to me. So I guess you could say I was primed for failure.

You think the fact you weren't my biological son played a big role in my _overzealous _discipline, but it really wasn't that much of a part. The fact was I couldn't give your mother children, and when you were born, in a way it made the what she did okay.

By the time I began to realize just how bad a father I had been to you, you hated me and it hurt. I wasn't exactly a touchy feely kind of guy to begin with and I was too weak to go head to head with your righteous anger.

Soon you were gone and living a life and I just couldn't bring myself to try to fix it anymore, I lied to myself and said you were okay, that you were a famous doctor and didn't need to hear those things from me. That somehow all the shit I put you through was worth it, as if it played some part in your success. Then… your leg happened, and I could see your pain, physical and mental, I knew then I could never take away the acts of violence I did to you, or make things right between us. I deserved your hatred, so I gave up and let myself off the hook. Every time I saw you, it reminded me of my failure. I pushed you away by saying how weak you were, but… it was _me_ who was weak, _me _who was the coward, and I died never knowing my son because of it.

In here we watch our lives and the choices we made and how they played out, but we also see what the alternative might have been. I have to tell you watching the things my father did to me, swearing I would never behave that way, and then see myself inflict the same macho, power, bullshit on you, my beautiful little son. It broke my heart; I could no longer run from it, the facts were right there.

Watching myself nearly drown that little six year old in and ice bath made me sick, and if I weren't already dead I probably would have killed myself then and there. I heard you were coming and I had to tell you the truth, and that I did love you. That what I did to you was fucked up.

There it is, I have no excuses and there's nothing that can explain it away, but you deserved to hear me say these things to you, deserved to hear me say you were right… about a lot of things."

House sat staring at the white blankness outside the bus' window, searching for something. He didn't know what to say, he couldn't absolve his dead father, but he couldn't leave things the way they were.

"What do you want from me?"

"Truthfully?"

"Yes."

"I want your forgiveness, though I don't deserve it. I want to hug you and tell you everything's going to be okay. I want what I denied us my whole time on earth."

For a moment, House's eyes clouded with anger, but something broke through his right to be bitter and angry and he found himself looking at his father with something akin to compassion. House knew he'd done his best to ruin relationships with the people he loved. Didn't House exploit people's vulnerabilities, sometimes for no reason other than he was bored? He was an asshole too. Maybe he could forgive his father just a little, to ease his burden a bit.

"I'm not sure I am ready to forgive you, but I think I understand you better and that helps. I'm not big on hugging, how about we shake hands?"

John House's smile was genuine and appreciative. He stood up and stuck his hand out to his son. "Come on and stand up and shake my hand son, it's time for you to go."

House stood up and warily took his father's hand in his, he choked back the swirling emotions gripping his throat. "Bye Dad."

Suddenly House felt himself pulled into an embrace and listened while his father said "Everything's going to be all right I promise. Wait and see… don't give up son. I love you… and I am damn proud of you."

House could feel John's arms holding him, he could hear the words he was saying as he held him, he felt the tears his father left on his shoulder, and couldn't hold back his own.

"Why'd you have to do that dammit?"

"You needed a hug, so I gave it to you. Someone up here said it was never too late, so I thought I'd give it a shot. Thank you Greg. I have to go son, and so do you. Remember… everything's going to be all right."

House was alone on the bus now, and the door opened ominously, as he sat fighting back the grief and tears for all he and his father had lost, for the love he didn't want to feel. He wasn't sure he wanted to go back now, he was thinking of reneging on his deal with Amber, when he heard a sound. An anguished sob, floating through the bus door it was heart wrenching. He knew immediately it was Wilson. It reminded him why he agreed to go back, so he shuffled hesitantly down the aisle towards the door… towards life… towards pain.


	25. Chapter 25

A/N: Here's an update.

Disclaimer: I don't own.

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The frenzied night of pulling House from the brink of death faded into a hopeful dawn. Wilson sat sleeping in his wheel chair his hand resting on House's arm as if were tethering him to the Earth. House awoke to see Wilson's faintly grey-flecked head laying on his bed and his friends warm hand protectively holding onto his IV free arm. He didn't want to wake Wilson but he was fighting the vent, he wanted it out. Before he could begin struggling in earnest, Wilson opened his eyes and smiled at him with the goofiest smile he'd ever seen. It was just enough to distract him from his discomfort.

"You're awake."

House rolled his eyes.

_Duhhhhhh._

Tears glistened in Wilson's eyes.

"Sorry, I'm just so happy your okay." He wiped the tears away blushing with embarrassment.

House looked at him, his arctic blue eyes never wavered their gaze. There were things he wanted to say, things that needed to be said, but there was more than a ventilator preventing House from saying them. There was forty plus years of hiding his feelings standing in his way. It was a wall his crippled spirit was afraid to climb.

Instead of indicating to Wilson how he felt, he pointed at the tube going down his throat insistently.

"I know you want that thing out but we need to clear it with respitory and cardiology first."

House gave Wilson a look that said, "Are you serious?"

_Are you serious, you're a doctor! Hell I'm a doctor, get this fucking thing off or I'll rip it out myself!_

Wilson could see House was becoming more agitated by the minute and his heart rate reflected it.

"House, calm down. I know you're pissed, but you have to keep your heart rate down. We just got you back, so you don't need to irritate your heart into another unstable rhythm."

House leaned back and grunted in frustration. He tried to relax and let the machine breathe for him, but that in itself was causing beads of sweat to pool upon his brow. Wilson saw his growing anxiety and made the decision to remove the vent himself. He would be yelled at but that was better than watching his friend fight his way into another heart attack.

"Okay, you win, just hang on, a second."

House looked at his best friend, thanks in his eyes and a hint of something more.

Wilson set the brake on the chair and leveraged himself up by the armrests. He winced as he felt his back lodging a complaint, it was payment for sitting in wheel chair all night, a sharp, but familiar pain.

House looked at him with concern.

"I'm fine it's just my back. Now, let's get this thing out of you."

Wilson patted House's hand and looked at him with such happiness it made the older man's stomach flip, to think he may have taken that away by choosing to die.

"You know the drill, you ready?"

House nodded, and Wilson deflated the tiny balloon hanging from the tube.

"One, two, three, cough!"

House gave a weak cough, but it was the best his battered body could manage, and though Wilson pulled the tube out as carefully as possible, House's throat screamed with pain.

_Holy crap that hurts!_

"Here have an ice chip."

Wilson pulled an ice cube from a styrofoam cup full of melting ice that sat on the side table, along with House's iPod and a few medical journals the ailing man hadn't read.

_Wilson you think of everything._

The ice felt wonderful on his raw throat.

"Just one or two for now, let's get you on some oxygen. I think a mask to start with just to be safe."

Again all House could manage was an agreeable nod. He was already beginning to tire, and he'd only been awake for ten minutes. He closed his eyes and listened to Wilson puttering around the room trying to find a mask and tubing, he was almost asleep when he felt his head lifted gently as Wilson slid a mask hissing with oxygen over his mouth and nose.

"Thanks." House croaked.

Wilson smiled a curious sort of smile, "My pleasure."

House was already asleep before he heard Wilson's response. But Wilson said anyway, "You rest _Greg_, I'm not going anywhere."

###################################################

"So what do you think we should tell him about his heart?"Wilson asked.

"The truth, obviously, there's been too much trying to manage him; frankly it's what got us here."

"He's so fragile right now, I'm not sure."Cuddy's voice was small; she was the one who was fragile.

"Look the thing you seem to forget is that he obviously wants to be here, if he didn't he wouldn't have come back, of that I have no doubt." Wilson pulled his fingers through his hair in frustration.

"He's not stupid Lisa, and he is a doctor. He knows his heart his damaged, he is well aware his life is going to change. So we give him the respect he deserves and tell him the truth."

They looked at each other and nodded in agreement, and they all came quietly into House's room.

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House lay in his ICU bed trying like hell not to complain about his ribs or the searing burns on his chest. His leg was a mere shadow of pain stalking him from the perimeter like a predator. He knew if he complained they may not believe him, or they would say he couldn't have anything because of his liver, or addiction, or whatever. So, he lay there suffering in silence. However, his body revealed the truth to any who wanted to see, "this man is in pain" was spelled out on the monitors, and in the tight lines of his sweat covered face.

This is how they found him, his hands and teeth clenched, and breathing shallowly to prevent the pain from his broken ribs overwhelming him.

"House?" Lisa asked, as House turned to see who had come into his room.

Wilson picked up the chart hanging on the bed and began reading the notes.

"No pain meds since the morphine Cuddy gave him."

"Dammit he's in pain and no one has given him anything? Are they trying to kill him?"Nolan said in anger.

"I'm going to give him something now." Lisa walked out of the room looking quite pissed.

"Hang in there House, we'll fix you up."

Wilson grimaced at his word choice and prayed House wouldn't notice. But that was stupid because even at his worst House noticed _everything. _

Nolan gave Wilson a look that said, "Are you an idiot?" It was comment enough Wilson got the point.

"Greg, can you talk? More importantly are you up to talking?"

_Why the hell not I'm just laying here in agony._

"Yeah…Go ahead. Talk." His voice was strained and breathy.

"Okay, good. Do you remember what we were talking about before?"

"What the going back to the nut farm thing or running away with Wilson in a gay fantasy thing?"

Nolan heard himself guffaw at the remark Wilson however looked unamused.

"I'm glad to see you were listening and your sense of humor is still intact."

"Well? What do you think?" Wilson asked nervously.

Lisa walked in with a syringe and a vial.

House's eyes followed her across the room, his mouth watered in anticipation.

_Maybe this isn't such a good idea…_

Lisa paused at his reaction.

Nolan saw the reaction Greg was having and wanted to reassure him.

"Greg you need pain relief. Don't worry we'll keep an eye on you, and if there's a problem we'll deal with it."

House gave an imperceptible nod, and Cuddy pushed the plunger down.

House could feel himself relax as the pain dulled to a more merciful level. 

_Good she didn't give me as much this time. _

"Better?" She asked.

"Yeah, at least you didn't give me enough to trank a horse this time."

"Sooooo where were we?" Wilson looked down at the floor as if it was the cure for cancer.

"We were about to discuss my _exciting_ future."

"How do you feel about that?"

"Oh for God's sake Nolan, don't you ever let up on the shrink act?"

"Sometimes… but only on special occasions."

House laughed, "I guess this doesn't qualify as _special."_

"Maybe in a short bus kind of way."

Even House was shocked at the snarkiness Nolan was engaging in, but he was loving every minute of it.

"Why Dr. Nolan I find it quite disturbing that a psychiatrist, a _healer_, would make fun of those less advantaged."

It was Nolan's turn to laugh, "Do you even listen to yourself? Talk about the pot calling the kettle."

"Yes, but I never pretend to be nice or even a_ healer,_ that's Boy Wonder's schtick." House nodded in Wilson's direction.

Wilson was growing angry at the banter and wanted to get things decided _now._

"Will you two _please_ shut up! I need to know what's going to happen t_o my life _!"

House grew quiet and his eyes were suddenly cold.

_Dammit Wilson you idiot! He is pissed and going to let you have it. _

Wilson rubbed the back of his neck furiously, averting his gaze from the frigid stare of House's angry eyes.

"I see, I didn't realize we were here to discuss _your_ life. Do forgive me _James_. Please go on Dr. Nolan."

_Ah hell I really did it now._

"House, come one don't be that way."

"What way would that be_ James_?"

Cuddy had been enduring all of their infantile behavior and had had it.

"Enough! This is about _all _of our lives! Now quit acting like ten year olds and let's get this figured out."

The men, mollified by her correction, grew silent.

"Dr. Nolan presented you with his recommendations for your…_ aftercare. _What do you think of what he has proposed?" She asked in full administrator mode.

When House was floating along in the warmth of what must have been heaven he didn't have time or the inclination to think. On the bus, while he didn't think, he was given food for thought. He was reasonably sure he knew what he wanted to do, but didn't think Nolan would approve.

"_I think, I need to do cardiac rehab here, with out-patient treatment weekly or more often. I think I need to move back into my own apartment, and I think I need to keep my job."_


	26. Chapter 26

A/N: To anyone still reading this, I am a loser. But trust me I have many good reasons for my tardiness in updating, chief among them my children and the zillions of things going on in their lives as the school year ends. (hallelujah ). I am going to finish every last one of my fics if it's the last thing I do. I hate WIP hell and will not relegate my stories or my followers to its evil clutches.

Disclaimer: Don't own…if I did I may have gone a slightly different direction with "_Help Me"._

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The room was silent. The three faces staring at House were slack with shock. He stared impassively waiting for the spell to be broken and the yelling to begin.

"What do you mean you want to stay here? Are you sure that's such a good idea, I mean isn't this place a problem for you?"

"No Wilson, the problem is me, and as they say _wherever you go there you are, _so I don't see the point of leaving. Besides, I need to work out my feelings about this place; these people and I can't do that anywhere else."

"That is a very reasonable choice Greg. Though I must say I was advocating for you to move on, if you are able to stay here and achieve the goals you have then all the better."

"I guess I am just selfish but I am so glad you are deciding to stay. The only problem is how do we get your license reinstated and the board to let you come back?" Wilson's face was caught somewhere between relief and concern.

"Yeah I know I'm screwed. Nevertheless, for now I just want to concentrate on my recovery, and whatever therapy I need to do. Clearly I won't be leaving here any time soon."

The room was quiet again, and House's eyes gave away the fatigue he was beginning to feel. Lisa had yet to say anything she so overcome with conflicting emotions it silenced her.

House turned his head with a sigh and looked Cuddy in the face searching her for answers to questions he had yet to ask.

"Nolan, Wilson?"

"Yes Greg?"

"Get out of here I want to talk to Cuddy."

The two men exchanged a questioning glance.

"Sure House, uhhh just don't get too … you know."

"Yeah, yeah I promise not to get all _riled_ up Wilson."

"Come on James let's get some coffee, Greg needs to speak with Lisa on his own."

With a final concerned glance at Cuddy and House, Wilson turned and left with Nolan.

###################################################

"Hey."

"Hey."

"What do you think?"

" I'm glad you're alive."

"Hmmmm" His answer was non-committal.

"What do _you _think?"

"I think I'm good…as good as can be expected."

" That's… good."

"What do you think about my proposal? I'm sure you probably want nothing to do with me, I wouldn't, but could you consider giving me a chance? A probation period?"

She looked at him with a gaze that gave nothing of her away. However, the subtext filled the air between them like an unwanted guest. She looked away from his probing blue eyes and sat down. Cuddy was stalling.

"As your—_friend_ I want you here, but as your boss this—circumstance makes things very difficult. In case you've forgotten you were already here on a probationary basis."

House was growing more tired by the second but he couldn't let it go until they settled some things between them.

"I have to say something and you are not going to want to hear it, but if you ever cared about me as you claim, then you'll listen."

Cuddy, taken aback by the assertion that she merely "claimed" to care about House, made a sound of protest. The words stung and she felt her face flush in shame and anger. Still, she wanted to know what he had to say so steeling herself, she sat back with a nod of assent.

"Okay, good. Shit, this is hard. Sorry, anyway here it goes. The fact is Lisa I have wanted you off and on, nearly my entire adult life. Somewhere along the way, I gave up on anything real because I felt you deserved better. I settled for being your resident pain in the ass. Then I went off the deep end and … well you know.

While I was at Mayfield Nolan helped pull me back to the shore and made me look at the sandcastles I had built of my life. I deconstructed a lot of myself, my past, until I could finally begin to see what was real, what was important, and begin to make decisions outside of the fog of pain and vicodin. Unfortunately for me, by the time I came back and had the balls to say anything to you, not only had you moved on but you told Lucas—everything and that about destroyed me."

She shifted in her seat about to say something but he stopped her.

"No wait, let me finish. I had no right to expect anything different, I was working under the assumption that if I got—_better_ you would want me, and we could—anyway, that's not the point. The whole Lucas thing just confirmed for me that I didn't deserve you, it put the nail in the coffin on the whole thing. I was—messed up by it, but I moved on. Then Wilson goes and risks his life for that—jackass and it became clear to me that I had no one, and virtually nothing but this damn job. Without vicodin that wasn't enough anymore, without the hope of there being—an us… Well, fighting to keep living, to stay away from the vicodin was pointless. When I saw Wilson lying there after he gave his liver away, I felt scared and a little betrayed, just like I did at the conference… Look, it's no one's fault, but mine. I just wanted to get some things straight before you make your decision about me staying here. I guess my point is, I'm over wanting you and I can't ever do _that_ to Wilson again, he is all I have in this world, so I can honestly say I will never—you know, again. As for the drugs, I can only promise that I will try my damndest to stay off them. I hope you can give me another chance."

He sank back into the bed out of breath and nearly exhausted his eyes at half-mast. Cuddy's face was stone; she fought to hide the maelstrom of emotions she was feeling.

_What the hell am I supposed to say? What the hell am I supposed to feel? Oh God House, why now? Why couldn't you have figured this out before? Damn you!_

Tears filled her eyes but she fought them, she couldn't decide if she wanted to scream at him or hold him.

He was watching her, waiting, and she felt the sadness coming off him in waves. He whispered, "It's okay, I get it."

House was almost asleep when Cuddy said, "No you don't. Dammit you don't get it at all. I love you, you bastard. God help me but I do. I don't want to love you, you terrify me, you aren't the smart choice. I have spent the last seven years waiting for you to get your shit together, I couldn't wait anymore. I wanted to hate you—and then—you were broken. I found out you were more damaged than even I had imagined and I ran away, out of fear, seeking some sanity. It wasn't until I saw you lying on the floor of Wilson's office, your lips blue… y—your heart stopped," she shuddered "that I felt the weight of all that feeling I had for you crash into me and it just about drowned me. In that moment all I wanted was for you to live."

He stared at her sleepily, "But?"

Cuddy trembled not knowing what she would do or say next. Suddenly she was standing next to his bed looking at him intently, an errant tear slipping from her eye. She took in a deep breath and said, "But, this is reality, I have a daughter and a boyfriend. I am your boss, or was or will be…whatever. The thing is Greg, I don't know. I just don't know what the hell to do."

"Me either." He sighed and drifted off to sleep.


	27. Chapter 27

A/N: This is almost the end of this part of our saga. There will be a companion piece as you may be able to tell what the subject will be from some new information I have just given you.

Disclaimer: I do not own House MD

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Cuddy stared at House as he slept. He looked more peaceful than he had in a long time, as if a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. She wanted to touch him to make sure he was real, to feel the stubble on his cheeks as she caressed his face. But he wasn't hers, not now, not anymore. So she would watch and wait for him to wake up.

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Nolan looked at James across the cafeteria table trying to decide if he should speak his mind or let James come to him.

"Quit looking at me like that Darryl."

"Looking at you like what?"

"Like you're going to tell me I have cancer."

"Okay."

"Okay? That's it? Okay?"

"Well what is it you would like me to say James?"

" I want you to say whatever is on your mind."

"Hmmmm"

"Hmmmmm? What the hell does Hmmmm mean?"

"It means I'm not sure I should tell you what's on my mind."

Wilson thought for a moment and replied, "Go ahead say it."

"Are you in love with Greg?"

Wilson was completely unfazed by the question; it was something he'd been asking himself lately.

"I don't know."

"What about it don't you know?"

"I don't know if what I feel is romantic love so much as it is all consuming love, like what I imagine a parent feels for a child."

"But Greg is not your child James."

"I know that's the problem. What does it mean?"

Nolan sat back and breathed his face virtually expressionless. The two men sat for what felt like a long time before Nolan finally spoke.

"Have you ever been in love with a man before James?"

"No, not really."

"What does not really mean?"

"Well I've had my share of man crushes, but they never manifested sexually, just a bromance sort of thing."

"Have you ever fantasized about men sexually?"

Wilson blushed. "No, at least not when I was awake."

"I see."

"Do you? I don't why don't you enlighten me."

"One more question first."

"Fine."

"Have you ever been with a man sexually?"

Wilson grew still as stone, even his breathing stopped and he looked down at the floor as if he were ashamed and mumbled a reply.

"What was that? I'm sorry James I couldn't hear you." Nolan's tone was gentle knowing he had stumbled upon something too dark, too big to let it go.

Wilson whispered loudly his eyes never leaving the floor, his hands clutching his tie as if he were holding on, afraid of falling. "Not by choice."

Nolan fought every urge to pull James into his arms and tell him it was all right, reassure him that it wasn't his fault as the man crumbled before him.

"I would like to talk about that if it's okay with you."

Wilson's hands were trembling; his face now pale as parchment and sweat was beginning to bead upon his forehead. He looked around glad they were virtually alone and sitting in the back corner of the cafeteria. He couldn't bear the thought of someone seeing him losing it.

"Yeah okay."

"What happened?"

Wilson looked out the window now avoiding Nolan's gaze and said, "I was just a kid, I didn't know any better."

"How old were you?"

"The first time I remember I was eight I think."

_Eight? Oh James I am so sorry._

"Where were you?"

James laughed a cynical laugh and said sardonically, "Believe it or not that time was my Boy Scout leader."

" Are you trying to tell me that there were other times before this incident, with other people but you can't remember it?"

"Yep."

James had shifted from broken and weak to flippant and glib.

"Well if you can't remember it how do you know it happened?"

"Oh I know it happened, I just can't seem to remember the who."

_Holy shit what have I walked into here? This was not what I was expecting._

"James, this is very important stuff we are discussing. Have you ever spoken about this before?"

"Nope."

Nolan sighed. "Are you okay?"

"I'm just peachy, you?"

"That's a very good impression of Greg you're doing there."

"What can I say I learned from the best?"

_I have to put the lid back on this powder keg for now. _

"James I am sorry that we have opened this wound up in a time and place where we cannot possibly do the subject justice. I would like to meet with you in your office tomorrow and talk about this more. Would that be okay?"

Wilson laughed aloud. "Sure why the hell not? It can wait. Hell, I've waited for thirty years what's another day. In fact what do you say we just forget the whole thing?"

The two men fell into a tense silence that seemed to last forever.

Nolan cringed he had to say something. "James, if you need to talk about this now we will. We will go to your office and talk about it as long as you want to."

Wilson turned and looked at Nolan quizzically. "Talk about what Darryl?"

For a second Nolan thought Wilson was just being sarcastic again but Wilson's genuine look of confusion made him realize there was so much more happening with Wilson than he could have imagined, and he felt a cold ache in the pit of his stomach.

"Never mind."

"Never mind what? I thought we were talking about House and me?"

"Yes we were. However, I have decided that we've talked enough for now. I am satisfied you and Greg will work things out."

"What does that mean?"

"Only that you two are the best of friends and have negotiated your way around some huge obstacles to your relationship in the past rather admirably."

Wilson looked at Nolan like he was crazy, but Nolan sat drinking his coffee nonchalantly.

"Why are you being so weird?"

"I am not being weird James. I am tired, it has been a hell of a week and I think I need to get some perspective and leave things be between you and Greg for now. He's not going anywhere soon; we can talk about it when we both have had some sleep."

Wilson kept staring, he knew there was something Nolan wasn't telling him but he also knew the man was right. They were exhausted and there was no point rushing things.

"Alright then why don't we go see House and I'll get Cuddy to discharge me and you can give me a ride home on your way to the hotel." James gave him a tired smile.

_There's no way in hell I am letting you go home alone James, not after that blast from the past. Either I can somehow get Lisa to make you stay here or I can accidentally fall asleep at your loft. Either way I am not leaving you alone tonight._

Nolan smiled back. "Sounds like a plan, let's go and make sure Greg hasn't sent Lisa screaming from his room."


	28. Chapter 28

A/N: After losing everything I have written in the past two years along with my Vaio and having to download and pay for Microsoft 21010. I do hope you can forgive my lack of chapters/updates. There are probably two chapters give or take of this saga left, and then a hiatus whereupon I will write the hinted at sequel concerning Wilson's difficulties. The good news is, for those interested, that I will complete the piece before posting it.

Disclaimer: Don't own

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Nolan and Wilson came into House's room to find Cuddy watching over him as he slept. She placed a finger over her mouth and waved them back out the door.

"He's only been asleep half an hour he needs to rest."

"True, but we only came to ask you to let me out of the Hospital." Wilson grinned hopefully.

Cuddy looked at Wilson and started to agree but noticed Nolan behind Wilson shaking his head no. Cuddy gave the psychiatrist a puzzled look and returned her gaze to Wilson.

"Why don't you stay one more night and we'll discharge you in the morning."

Wilson sighed; suddenly feeling very tired and said, "Fine, but I'm out of here tomorrow."

"Good, well I'll see you to your room James and then head back to the hotel."

"I'll come with." Cuddy added.

The trio walked down the hallway to Wilson's room and got him settled.

"See you in the morning Wilson." Cuddy said as she patted his arm."I'll bring you some decent coffee and we can visit with House while you wait."

"Thanks guys, good-night."

The two waved and walked out of his room. They walked for several yards before Cuddy spoke.

"What the hell is going on?"

Nolan stopped turning to face her.

"I can't tell you why but I don't want James to be alone right now."

She scanned his face for a clue and said, "Okay, but you're going to have to give me something."

Nolan paused then said, "I think all of this emotional upheaval combined with his physical situation has worn him down and I don't feel comfortable leaving him alone to… dwell on things."

Cuddy wasn't buying it but she couldn't argue with his logic.

"Okay, so what do we do about it?"

"For now leave it to me. James is my friend; I may be able to get him to open up."

"He's my friend too."

"Of course he is Lisa, but I happen to be a psychiatrist and a therapist. I can help him in a more professional capacity, should he need it."

She couldn't argue with that logic but it only raised more questions for her.

"Should I be worried? I mean how serious is this?"

"I wouldn't worry too much just be there for him when he needs you."

They were quiet again as they continued down the hallway.

Lisa paused a moment and quietly said, "What are we going to do about House? I mean I'm not sure what we decided."

"I wasn't either but I think we left it with him going through treatment and his cardiac rehab here and then throwing him on the mercy of the medical board—again."

"What if it doesn't work?" Her voice was tremulous.

"I suppose we'll have to come up with something else. Don't give up Lisa, Greg hasn't and we shouldn't either."

"I know but I am scared as hell."

"Me too."

As they exited the elevator to the main floor Lisa's cell phone began buzzing.

Cuddy looked down to see Lucas' picture.

_Damn, I can't deal with him right now._

Nolan could see the look of frustration and dread on Cuddy's face.

"Something wrong?"

"No. I just don't feel up to going home right now. I don't suppose you feel like getting something to eat with me?"

Nolan thought a moment weighing the pros and cons.

"Sure, but on one condition."

"What?"

"That we don't talk about House, Wilson, work or depressing things."

Cuddy laughed a genuine laugh that came from deep within her.

" I'll drink to THAT!"

"Good, you choose the restaurant."

"I know just the place! Let me get my purse and coat."

Nolan followed her into the office and waited as she futzed around and gathered her things. He thought about how things were much different between them this time he was visiting her inner sanctum. Now he could take in the little bits of herself decorating the space in a seemingly random manner. Somehow he doubted there was anything haphazard about where Lisa Cuddy placed anything let alone her mementos.

"Shall we take my car?" He heard her ask.

"What about my car?"

"Why don't I follow you to the hotel so you can park it and we can ride to the restaurant in mine?"

"Sounds good. Let's get out of here I'm starving and, no offense, quite sick of this place."

Lisa laughed again. "Why Dr. Nolan please don't beat around the bush tell me how you _really_ feel."

Nolan laughed too. "I will endeavor to be clearer in sharing my opinions so as to leave no doubt Dr. Cuddy."

They were both laughing as they walked out of the lobby into the parking lot. "Now Dr. Nolan I believe I asked you to call me Lisa."

"Yes, of course and you must call me Darryl now that we are free from the clutches of your hospital."

"Free, that sounds so good." Lisa mused.

"Yes it does. Well here's me." Darryl said pointing at his sedan.

"Great my car is a row over. I'll just wait for you to pull out and then follow you to the hotel. See you in a few." She waved as she walked on.

It was a short trip to the hotel and soon they were on the way to the steak house Lisa chose.

"Steak, I like how you think Lisa."

"I know, I usually eat vegetarian but after the month I've had I find my inner carnivore busting out."

"Yes well mine isn't so inner, I tend to be carnivorous all the time."

She laughed, "Yes well most men are Darryl."

"Lisa I'm shocked at your gender stereotyping!"

"Yes, well be that as it may I stand firm in my assertion."

"You have spent far too much time with House." Nolan said with a laugh.

"Hey! You've already broken the rules!"

"It seems I did, do forgive me… _But _I stand by _my_ assertion."

They both cracked up at that and were still chuckling as they exited the car and headed towards the restaurant.

"Darryl?"

"Yes."

"Thank you."

"For what Lisa?"

"For this, for a few minutes away from—well—you know."

"My pleasure, but you do know you're buying right?"

And with that they entered the establishment laughing giddily.


	29. Chapter 29

A/N: Update/almost end.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

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House awoke to find Wilson and Cuddy sitting by his bed expectantly.

"You know that's a little creepy."

"What?"

"To wake up to you two hovering over me like vultures."

"Well you're not dead and neither one of us are carrion birds so I fail to see the correlation."

"You may not be carrion birds Wilson, but Cuddy at the very least is a harpy."

"Gee thanks House."

"What do you expect when you sit here flaunting your delicious coffee in front of the bedridden invalid?"

Cuddy felt a pang of guilt but there was no way she would let him know he'd gotten to her.

"Just because you can't have coffee doesn't mean the rest of us should suffer. Besides it was Wilson's idea to drink it in here."

"Whoa Wilson she totally just threw you under the bus! I can't believe you're gonna let that go!"

Wilson smiled ruefully, "I have to, she holds my freedom in her talons."

House beamed at his best friend with appreciation. "That's right Cuddy, it's always bros before hos."

The two men grinned like idiots at one another.

"If you two are finished with the childish banter we do have some things to iron out and House needs to eat." She pointed at the domed lids sitting before House on his tray table.

"Awww Moooom you're no fun."

She smiled indulgently before adding. "Sorry son you have to eat and we have to discuss your rehab schedule before you and Jimmy can play."

"Whatever."

House began lifting each lid and commenting on each item with great creativity and disdain, this went on a few moments until a voice from the doorway said, "House, enough. If you ever want to get out of here you have to eat, so get to it."

"You just want to shut me up Nolan."

"No I don't _just_ want to shut you up; I also want you to eat."

Wilson and Cuddy chuckled and House scowled feeling a bit ganged up on.

"Fine, but go away or talk amongst yourselves, anything but stare at me like I'm some kind of zoo specimen."

"Gladly… So James how'd you sleep last night?"

"Good considering I'm in the hospital, but I can't wait to go home."

"I'm sure. Lisa about that, is James being discharged today?" Nolan asked.

"Yes, as far as I know he's been cleared to go home. In fact I can do his discharge instructions now."

Wilson rolled his eyes but House looked on with amused interest at his friend's annoyance.

"Oh brother Lisa, I am a doctor after all, I don't _need _discharge instructions."

"Yes you do. You're almost as bad as he is, now shut up and let me do this."

"Fine, let's get it over with."

Cuddy pulled out a stack of paperwork from her attaché case along with her pen and cleared her throat.

"Okay first the standard questions. Do you have someone who is able to drive you home upon your discharge?"

"What? No of course not I am driving myself home."

"Not if you want to leave today James, you are still not ready for that."

"Oh for God's sake this is ridiculous...Fine I'll take a cab!"

House was snickering loudly at Wilson's outrage.

"Shut up and eat your damn breakfast House!" Wilson snapped.

This only caused House to laugh harder.

"Greg why don't you ease up on James so we can get through this process." Nolan chided gently.

"Sure, go ahead Cuddy. Mum's the word." House winked at her conspiratorially.

"Okay, next question. Will someone responsible be staying with you for the next five days?"

"What? Are you serious? No and I don't need them to, I am plenty responsible enough."

"No Wilson you have to be with someone in case you have any complications."

"This is bullshit!"

"Whoa! You made him cuss Cuddy! You better watch out he's gonna blow!"

Wilson's face was red and his face was hard with irritation.

"Wait a minute let's all calm down. I have an idea that may please all parties."

"Dang, it was just getting good!"

"Hush House, let us hear what he has to say."

"I am going to be here at least another week to organize Greg's… situation. Why don't I stay with you James? It would do us both a favor."

Wilson thought for a moment and regained his composure before speaking.

"Are you sure? I mean, I wouldn't want to impose."

"Yes I'm sure, besides you'd be saving me tons of money and we can spend some, shall we say, less dramatic time together."

House watched now with keen interest not missing the furtive looks between Cuddy and Nolan. Something was up and he realized instantly this whole scenario had been planned. Cuddy and Nolan had played Wilson like a fiddle. The question was why and it piqued House's curiosity and concern.

"Thanks Darryl I appreciate that. I would enjoy spending some time with you if you're sure it's no imposition."

"Great, then it's decided. Wilson will go home with Dr. Nolan."

"That's it? What about the rest of the instructions?"

"What do you mean James? You're a doctor after all, do you really need instructions?"

Wilson snorted. "Why do I get the feeling I've been had?"

"You know me, I have to mother hen you occasionally. Plus you scared the crap out of me so, I'm taking no chances this time."

"Are we done with the sit-com yet? Because you people are giving me indigestion."

"You have to actually eat to get indigestion Greg."

"Yeah shut up and finish your powdered eggs."

"Should we put you back on parenteral nutrition?" Cuddy threatened.

"Geez give me a chance to eat before you get all medieval."

"Alright but if you don't start gaining weight we are going to have to do something."

"So, shall we talk about House's rehab?"

"Oh joy."

"Yes, we may as well get the ball rolling."

"Okay. I've spoken with cardiology and they are clearing you for cardiac rehab beginning next week if you stay on track this week."

"What about the other thing?" Wilson asked nervously.

House sighed and said, "Wilson, I've been in the loony bin before I don't think you need to tip-toe around it."

"Well I've spoken with the department head here and she has agreed to facilitate your treatment provided you are compliant and refrain from…"

"What? Being myself?"

"No, just from being abusive to the staff. Would it hurt you to be polite once in a while House?" Cuddy said plaintively.

"Yes it would. I am allergic to being polite, I break out in these nasty looking hives."

"We'll give you Benedryl, go on Dr. Cuddy."

"As for the duration and strictness of his treatment plan, all the departments involved would like to speak with you Dr. Nolan for some—_direction_."

"She means they want you to give them some guarantees that you can control me."

"I don't need to control you Greg. You are perfectly capable of controlling yourself. You're the one who decided to stick around, therefore you have a vested interest in succeeding and I have every confidence that you will do just that."

Wilson and Cuddy looked mildly surprised by Nolan's comments.

House replied quietly. "Thanks."

The room fell into a somewhat awkward silence.

Finally Cuddy spoke.

"Well it looks like you made a good dent on your breakfast, good job!"

"I am not a toddler Cuddy, so knock the mommy talk off."

Cuddy blushed as she realized that was exactly what she was doing.

"Sorry, force of habit. Anyway, I think we should leave you alone and let you take a nap. We'll formalize everything a bit more after lunch. Does that work for you?"

House wanted to bitch and moan some more about being treated like a kid but he was suddenly aware of how tired he was all he could do was agree.

"Something about talking to you people seems to wear me out, so yeah why don't we talk about this crap later."

"Works for me I want to go home anyway."

"Alright then Greg James and I will head to the hotel so I can check out and then over to the loft to get settled. We'll be back this afternoon; would you like us to bring you anything?"

A feral smile ran across House's face but before he could retort Wilson said, "No we aren't bringing you liquor, porn or a hooker so forget it."

House was somewhat crestfallen, "You are such a meanie Jimmy!"

"Oh well sue me."

Cuddy rose to her feet and pulled James to his and said, "Alright House we're leaving we'll see you later. Come on you two and let the poor man sleep."

"Nolan, wait." House said before the trio left the room.

Nolan waved Cuddy and Wilson on and returned to sit beside House's bed.

"Yes?"

House waited a minute making sure Cuddy and Wilson were gone.

"What's going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean what's going on with Wilson that has your knickers in a bunch."

Nolan stared at House for a moment trying to decide what the best approach to the situation would be.

"It's nothing really, James is still a bit shaken by almost losing you and I want to give him an opportunity to talk about things if he needs to."

"And…"

"And nothing, we're going to hang out while he recuperates and you begin rehab. I am simply making myself available."

House remained skeptical but he nodded his acceptance.

"Anything else you'd like to talk about?"

"No, not really, I'm too tired."

"Are you saying you do have something you want to talk about but you're too tired, or are you saying you want to talk but you need me to convince you to?"

House snorted, "Nolan you bastard you know me too well, but I am really too tired so maybe tomorrow sometime?"

"Certainly Greg you are still my patient after all, but let's make it this afternoon or early evening instead."

"Fine, then get your huge ass out of here so I can sleep."

Nolan smiled at his deflection and stood to leave. "Bye Greg, see you in a few hours."

"Yeah, ummm thanks." A pleased smile crossed Nolan's face at House's quiet thanks.


	30. Chapter 30

Epilogue

"Holy shit that hurts!"

"I know it does Dr. House but you need to maintain flexibility in this joint or it will add to your chronic pain problem."

"This was not what I had in mind for therapeutic massage."

"Yes well Dr. House, I am afraid what you had in mind is not legal."

"It's a shame though, a hot broad like you touching me all over getting me all hot and bothered and leaving me with a serious case of blue—"

"Don't say it House." A voice from the doorway of the PT room said.

"Why Dr. Cuddy I could find you several published articles on both the benefits and detriments to a male patient regarding the 'Happy Ending'."

"I'm sure you can and maybe even a few _not_ written by you to Forum."

"It's all right Dr. Cuddy I'm used to Dr. House's sense of humor."

"You're a saint Kylie, House is lucky to have you working with him."

House waggled his brows suggestively and said, "Oh but I could be _a lot_ luckier if she would just be a little more_ hands on."_

Kylie giggled and Cuddy blushed.

"Enough House, do you think this beautiful young woman appreciates your dirty old man routine?"

"Yes actually I think she _loves _it. Don't you Kylie?"

Now Kylie was blushing.

Cuddy gave her an appraising look before speaking.

"Kylie I want you to go talk with Casey and have him rotate you out of House's case. Tell him I want him to assign Gary."

Kylie was about to protest but the cold glare Cuddy gave her sent her running.

"See how you like Gary instead, House." She said smugly.

"Oooh Gary, as in the gorgeous surfer boy? Yummy. Something tells me Gary may be a bit more understanding about my needs than Kylie. Besides have you seen the size of his hands?"

Cuddy was sputtering in frustration. " Wha—you mean you—surely you—don't—you're kidding me right?"

House looked at her with dead seriousness in his eyes. "Nope, not kidding… Surprised?"

Cuddy shook her head and stood for a moment paralyzed, mouth agape with shock, before she too bolted, nearly running Wilson over as he entered the room.

"What did you say her?" Wilson said.

House looked at Wilson with a smirk that faded into something more contemplative as he took in his friend's sweaty hair and clothes from his own PT.

"Not sure if I should answer that."

"Why? Was it about me?"

House laughed. "No, but I'm doubtful if you could take it with as much grace as Cuddy."

Wilson snorted in return. "If that's handling it with grace I shudder to think what it was you said…You might as well tell me, you know you're dying to see how I'll react."

_If only it did make you shudder… _"I admit I do have a certain curiosity about that."

"So tell me so we can head to the showers and get out of here."

Just as House was about to reply Nolan walked in wheezing and drenched from his workout. Wilson was forcing the psychiatrist to exercise along with him as he did his PT. The two were good friends and Wilson had made it his mission to see Nolan's spare tire gone.

"Nolan."

"Greg."

House turned to Wilson. "What gives with the sweaty shrink?"

"Oh nothing really I just figured since he was here and we have rehab that he could stand some exercise too. Besides he keeps me company on the elliptical."

House started laughing loudly at the thought of Nolan on the elliptical.

"I'm glad you find James' torture of me amusing Greg. So what was it you said to Lisa to make her run out of her like some terrified schoolgirl?"

House hesitated and decided he would just tell them.

"Oh nothing I just let her know that since she took the hot blond girl away from me that I would be equally pleased with the surfer boy with the amazing six pack and the low rise shorts."

Nolan wasn't fazed but Wilson had turned a lovely shade of white followed by a crimson blush creeping up his face.

"You were joking right?" Wilson asked.

"Nope, I like men _and_ women I always have."

Wilson's face suddenly grew hard and cold anger was in his eyes, his voice was almost a whisper.

"Then stay the hell away from me pervert."

And with that Wilson was gone.

"What the fuck?"

House began tying his shoes furiously clearly intending to take off after Wilson.

"Wait Greg, let him go."

"The hell I am, we've been friends for fifteen years and I find out after all this time he's a homophobe, and so much of one that because I swing both ways he suddenly wants nothing to do with me! Do you seriously think I can let this go?"

Nolan sighed. "No I don't but would you at least talk with me a minute until you both calm down?"

House took a deep breath and said, "Fine, but you better not try to turn this around on me."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean Wilson is the one being an ass, not me."

Nolan looked at House trying to decide what he could say that wouldn't be against Wilson's privacy.

"Look Greg I know you revealed something big to him and you weren't expecting that reaction but believe me when I say there is something even. bigger going on here."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"I am not at liberty to say, but I think you will find that James will behave better the next time you see him. However let's hold off on the bisexuality revelations for now."

"Are you telling me to stay in the closet?" House said with a snort.

"No of course not, but as James' friend I am asking you to give him the benefit of the doubt and to give him some space on this subject."

House gave him an appraising look before asking him, "What are you hiding from me? What is it you know about his reaction that you aren't sharing?"

Nolan sighed, "I can't tell you that for many reasons, chief among them I'm not exactly sure what is going on, so can you give me the chance to help him and find out?"

House nodded pensively his brain was doing a differential on Wilson's freak out.

"Greg let it go for now please."

"Yeah, okay…for now."

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_Well that's where I am leaving it. It sucks I know but it's my first stab at pre-slash so be a little forgiving_


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